Here it is, in no particular order, although the list is numbered (keep in mind, this is all meant to be sarcastic):
1. Listen to lots of music while writing. The rhythm of your words should definitely come from an external source rather than from you.
2. Drink alcohol, at least two glasses of wine and never less than one glass of scotch, because inspiration originates in a bottle. Or can. Or whatever.
3. Read a multitude of bad writing so that you can feel invincible while also lowering your standards.
4. Read tons of good writing, so that you can feel crushed under the weight of your literary heroes.
5. Spend several hours determining the best place for you to write, because in the end, it’s the setting that makes the writer doesn’t it.
6. Write when you’re most tired and are really dragging it, because tired brains make for excellent writing (see this post for an example).
7. Write something, post it, and spend hours clicking refresh in hopes of praise and admiration instead of getting to some new writing (see this post for an example).
8. Forget editing, this is a waste of time. Instead, submit submit submit and drink vodka around a campfire, dancing in a loin cloth as you celebrate your inherent genius.
9. Make your writing as flowery as humanly possible. If someone is able to actually find a meaning in your prose or poetry, you’ve done something tragically wrong.
10. Don’t ever call yourself a writer, otherwise you or someone else may start to believe it.