Hobbits Vs. Lightsabres


Hobbits Vs. Lightsabres*


Bilbo Baggins came out one day

And found Gandalf sleeping in the hay

“Little midget, friend of mine – beware!

There is a terrible evil coming here!”


“What, to Hobbiton?  But we are small and nice

And tidy and pleasant besides

We dance, we drink, we smoke, we write and sing

Only rarely do we get in trouble with terrible power rings

But that’s really quite a rare occurrence

An exceptional, inconstant, un-Hobbitty thing!

What Gandalf, what is happening here?

What evil is coming that we should beware?”


And then the rumbling from afar, it came

It came and it neared and doubled again

A man came walking round the bend

A man with gloves on both his hands

He drew a bit of metal and lit it a-bright

For this was a sword made of light!


“I am Darth Vader, little Hobbit fools

And I have come to bring the Empire’s rules

Bow down before the Emperor’s might

Or feel the sting of my lightsabre’s bite!”


“Um, Gandalf,” said little Bilbo Bagginses

“Can you handle this light sword of his?

For I have not yet had my breakfast number two

And thus doubt I have the strength that you do!”


Gandalf gazed at the little Hobbit guy

“Baggins, do try to gain some stones sometime

For now, stay clear and possibly if you could

Get your friend Sam to help, that would be good.”


Then the battle began upon a patch of ground

As lightsabre met staff with a resounding sound

Darth flipped and twirled everywhere

While Gandalf sent his magic through the heated air

Sabre met staff with a shower of sparks

As the foes battled in Hobbiton’s only park


“Oh dear, this simply will not do,”

Said Bilbo as he sucked on breakfast number two

“Ah Sam, you’ve come at last, my word!

“Give me a boost so we can help the wizard.”

And in the fumbling that ensued

Hobbitty fingers explored all confused

New sensations rapidly became apparent

As one Hobbit felt another’s Hobbitty element


And then, in a moment utterly strange

Darth Vader ceased his terrible rage

“Here, this is a strange thing to see,”

He breathed in a voice deeper than the sea

“Two little midgets a little more enamoured

Of each other than I would have gathered

But, the Emperor is liberal in these respects

And has no problem with this kind of sex

So he will still be glad to rule you from space

Gay midgets, you need only bend your knees in haste.”


“Well that’s very accommodating,” said Sam with a sneer

As he removed his Hobbitty element from Bilbo’s ear

“But we don’t know what you mean

What is this talk of queer Hobbits, please?

This is a topic that is seldom discussed

Quite often muted if not entirely hushed

But if there if there is something to what you say

We will have a look, so Sam do I say

In the meanwhile however, dear Jedi Lord

Prepare to meet the fury of Hobbit swords!”


And the battle was rejoined, there in the park

The wizard, the Sith, and the Hobbits stacked

For a bit it went well for the protectors of Middle-Earth

But the Dark Side was a Force of too great a girth

When Gandalf finally realized the battle was near lost

He took one of the Hobbits and suddenly he tossed

Poor Sam high up into the sky

Where he let out a dreadful cry

“Ah that is good Sam!” cried Gandalf the mage

“A little louder and we’ll all be saved!”


And in response to Sam’s great scream

Came the flapping of wings from the blackest dreams

As dragon Smaug filled up the sky

And descended on the Sith Lord with a great battle cry

Burst! came the fire and then the claws

And after that the snapping of mighty jaws

Black armour melted and melted fast

And Darth Vader stood unmasked at last


“Ho you’re an ugly sort,” noted Bilbo of the Shire

“I do hope your children are more admired.”

“I have no children,” noted Vader with a groan

As he lay surrounded by his foes

“But I do have some friends in high places

Proficient sorts who come from faraway spaces

Look, here are some now to lend a hand

If I were you’d, I’d run fast as you can.”


And almost beat, almost taken down

Darth Vader turned on the comlink at his brow

And the shadow of an Imperial Star Destroyer

Hovered suddenly over Bilbo and the Shire

Lazer blast one reduced Smaug to shuddering ash

And number two took Sam in the ass

Bolt three tore Gandalf into a dozen hunks

And number four smashed Hobbiton into a billion chunks


Bilbo protested: “Oh dear oh dear me”

“At this rate I will miss my afternoon tea!

“However will I clean up this dreadful mess

And without my faithful manservant Sam no less!

Whatever do you want, Mr. Vader?

Why are you such a great big Hobbit hater?”


“No hater of Hobbits,” explained the big guy

I just came to answer a question of mine –

Hobbits versus lightsabres, whose story is best

Well we’ve certainly put that to the test

Now do scoot over here Bilbo of the Shire

So that I can end your foolish crying

One stroke of my lightsabre is all it will take

Or maybe three, because a trilogy is always great.”


And so ended the conflict in the Shire

As Darth Vader went on to rule the Empire

And of course, he did actually have some kids

Who inconveniently blew the Death Star to bits

But oh well, that’s besides the point of this plot

Which is that Hobbits suck and Star Wars rocks


* yes, a bit low brow but come on, lighten up eh!



Dream hard, rage hard.

72 thoughts on “Hobbits Vs. Lightsabres

      1. Oh, I have no doubt about the rightness of my cause. I’m pretty confident there are some similarities between the recently vanquished Republican standard bearer and the whole Star Wars crap-fest. 🙂

    1. Well KB I think urban legends are just tidbits, little consumables that are told in passing during idle conversations and the like. Modern myths are harder to peg but much bigger in scope, and entirely more lasting. It is not easy to recognize a myth when it is in the midst of being created. You have me thinking on this, anyway, so I think I will put a narrative down on this topic, some wonderful ideas come to mind. All kidding aside, I believe the Star Wars stuff is nothing but myth-building (stacked on existing myths actually – nothing original there but for the storytelling medium); the Lord of the Rings stuff is pretty good if a bit descriptive, I am unfairly poking at it here but I do actually have respect for Mr. Tolkein and what he did.

  1. I bow to your crazy greatness (if a person can bow while flying overhead raining revels upon you). I am new to the Lord of the Rings, after somehow missing this out of my education for the last 39 years … now being rectified by Bruce … so I would side with Hobbits as I have only recently become fond of them

  2. god u make me laugh, thanks so much! technically, majic should always win over technology! Besides, hobbits are soo cuuuute, they’re a cross between Rabbits and the Homeless! 😉

  3. Ye gods! Superb literary nods…and a nod or two to today’s warriors and samurais, who unfortunately for us actually do not deserve that mantle. But a festival of movent there…and it rhymes too, for those with extra-sensitive taste… I have a good pal, Paul A.Freeman (he insists on his ‘A’) who specialises in exactly what you scribed – and says its what sells the most, by far – http://www.thenational.ae/arts-culture/books/uae-authors-robin-hood-has-a-zombie-problem
    I think its worth making ye above and more something of a niche..As a reader I would say you’d be surprised how entertaining it is…

    1. Pirate, thank you for the reference, I will check out Mr. Freeman. Robin Hood with a zombie problem… you know, I’m a big fan of so-called mash-ups, there’s such richness in bringing totally disparate things together. Definitely will check him out.

  4. Wonderful and funny. Whimsical and sing-songy. I love it.

    The first time I sat through Lord of the Rings, I was obsessed with the gay-midget loving too. I kept saying, “Merry” (called out with an Irish lilting trill). My husband (then-boyfriend) told me if I didn’t stop making fun of his favorite movie, then he was going to kick me out of his apartment.

    That day I was being the dog (and not the cat).

    1. I figured you’d have some moments as the dog. These hobbits are interesting fellas. I have no problem with them. But they do so make a mess of things. Stop being a shit-disturber, M! Or rather, be a bigger one.

      1. I try to walk the line when it comes to shit-stirring. You have to be able to back that mouth up, if you know what I mean. The thing with me is, I can only play at niceties for so long, before the real me comes out.

  5. This is quite a piece.
    As usual, it’s flavoured with insanity to taste!
    Character embellishments a bit unusually low for ur writings. You tend to give clearer pictures/development of your characters.
    Of course, your scenes are usually tight, ie. cool.
    I was lost a bit there with the gay theme you introduced.

    Oh! And I should think Magic shd take the day. But I was a bit shocked with impressiveness as the first laser blast ashed the dragon. It is conceivable, especially in the world/setting of this story. So, nice twist, Trent.

    1. Well, Doc, some things are written cause we are compelled, others because we feel like goofing around a little. This one fits into the latter. I think some blogger set me off on the Star Wars sale to Disney, so this is what came out. Please don’t take seriously at all.

  6. I see ‘the farce’ is still with you lewin. live long and prosper (my nod to turkey). for me…hobbits rule and vader drools. btw, the place i stayed on the coast in herne bay? Hobbits Hole. yes, I said that. 🙂 good to be in lewinland again!

    1. Welcome back, Belle. Yes, we have some odd habitations in the land across the pond. But seriously, Star Wars is an American creation and Hobbits are British, perhaps you did not take this into account when making your assessment? What would it take to change your mind on this? I can mail you a 2-4 if you like, proper Canuck beer to boot.

      1. ha…perhaps i DID take the roots into account. seems i’ve still got some british bubble and squeak stuck in my craw…but whatever it is that’s still stuck, i’m stickin with the midgets. as for the proper Canuck beer? shit, again, i’m stickin with best bitters….WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME???? I feel like breaking into a tune here…I left my heart….in San Fran London. OY, help…I need help!

        1. Yeah I’ll say. And that just like so gives me an idea, the thought of a Yank suddenly sprouting a Brit accent or something, more or less being converted to the light side.

  7. astonishing-funny! I can not choose, it’s a hard one for me, love both. I reading the books (again) before I see the Hobbit and probably will see all the movies after.

  8. Well Trent I don’t know you and I enjoyed your tale
    but along a few lines your logic does fail
    Once a man, was your Vader so Dark
    who stumbled upon Hobbiton park
    fell under control of ring and bearer
    you forgot about Frodo, Sam’s Hobbit friend fairer
    you forgot about Elrond and Galadreil
    Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and the power of the Elves as well
    and your forgot about Sauron and Sarumon
    I hate to say but Giant Eagles trump Millennium Falcon
    and then there is the Nazgul, you know the black riders
    you can’t kill the undead with x-wing fighters
    have you thought of the Belrog for all that its worth?
    for there are even fouler things in Middle Earth
    so Vader please do come and bring your empire
    Hobbits will be eating Ewok steaks that night in the Shire
    As for you poem I chuckled and laughed
    Nice job, well done in plying your craft…

    1. Ha ha ha – this is well done sir, and all good points, but I must respectfully disagree, and the line about Ewok steaks – gross! But hilarious. I will have to take this into consideration when responding to the Midget’s return.

      1. hey Trent I really did enjoy your poem… I do like Star Wars and wonder what Disney will do to the franchise… But I am a big fan of anything Tolkien wrote and I think his works stand on their own against the likes of serious writers like Steinbeck, Tolstoy, Turgenev for social commentary and the writing itself rivals that of Literary giants past and present. Also one of the major themes that both the book and movie cover is the battle between Nature and Technology, and while Nature may take a beating it will always win in the end… I believe in 50 years as we inch closer to Star Wars like technology, Star Wars will be little more than a novelty for a few cinimaphiles if they are still around, we may just have better things to do…on the other hand while the movie (LOTR) may suffer the same fate because there will probably be better platforms in which to tell a story…who knows maybe holograms, but the story itself is Timeless…Star Wars is a fun movie, but it does lack the depth to be more than a novelty and be prepared for more silly characters like JaJa Binks or whatever that annoying thing’s name is in the hands of Disney…

        1. Interesting perspective. As someone who grew up as a child with the original Star Wars trilogy, my perspective is somewhat different. I think there are underlying themes in Star Wars that speak to our generation, that of heroism and most especially redemption. The original trilogy is a character study in a man’s fall and redemption and in between those points we see heroism at its finest. I think the story has a lot more going on with it than what is on the surface, hence it’s been with us for 35 years now and is going stronger than ever – it speaks to us in some fundamental way. I can’t tell you how often me and my friends still talk about Star Wars. It’s like a generational obsession. You may argue that it says more about our generation than the quality of the media, but this is really our generation’s lighting rod expression of art. Star Wars may turn into a novelty, I guess everything eventually does, but for entire generations it stands very tall and preeminent in our affections.

      2. to be honest I do think Star Wars I do think it is a generational thing. when I in my late teens I went to the Press Release of Return of the Jedi a week before it was released to the public… I enjoy the Star Wars story it is great fun like I said…it spans a couple of generations for interest, but if Disney cannot bring a new generation to the table then I am afraid it will go the way of other movies… For example the appeal of Spaghetti Westerns still have their fans, but when the generation of Fans that grew up with them dye off what will there appeal be to generations exposed to them for the first time…my guess is they will be seen as cheese… Vincent Price for another example was seen as a master of horror, put his movies up against those of that Genre today… Where as movies that are founded in classic literature tend to be remade and have lasting appeal… I don’t disagree that there are some good themes in Star Wars, but they are rather simply expressed and lack depth and layers found in literature… In the eighty’s there was an animated attempt at LOTR which failed and should have been the nail in the coffin in trying to adapt this story to the screen…25 years later they were mostly successful in the live action adaptation… It lived because of the literary merits… Anna Karenina has been re made in film many times because of literary merit…this is the point I am trying to make… Some things are Timeless and will always remain relevant… I don’t think Star Wars for all its legions of fans has that…

        1. Well, we will disagree on that point. There is no other movie phenomenon that has spanned three decades like this, and that is stronger than ever, and that has its fans aquiver waiting for the next trilogy. It is a cultural phenomenon in my opinion, and I think it can only be that way if there specifically is depth to it, and emotion, and feeling, that speaks to who we as a generation are. To me personally and to many of the people I hang around with, it is timeless and it is still magically relevant – even though we are some thirty years older than we were first exposed to it. There are few things that can say that. I think if you look at what Lucas was trying to create, how he delved into Japanese cinema and touched on some themes that are quite ageless, I think he met with incredible success even though he had not literary source material to play from. I think he invented a genre in many ways, and did so out of his imagination. His vehicle was not written literature, yes, but that is a sign of the times. Anyway, my point is this. Star Wars has legions of fans because there is something timeless and relevant about it, not in spite of it – I think that somewhat sums up how a lot of us feel. You may debate that we are not very right in the head, that we are shallow, that we are many things – but I think that would be a disservice to a number of us who are now in our late thirties/early forties and how we feel. Every generation is different, as you note, and we take to things that speak to us. I can’t honestly say that I have any affection for Lord of the Rings – I’ve read it three or four times, seen the movies once each, and while I respect it, I don’t love it.

      3. What about Star Trek which is older, same genre, was equally ground breaking and sparks the same feelings in people of our generations, even if the original series was pure cheese it has achieved everything you have said…and in fact was more influential on the Science Fiction Genre than Star Wars, So you see Star Wars is not alone…and to tell you the truth were it not for Tolkien Star Wars would probably not have existed as we know it… Tolkien’s work gained respect and wide acceptance of the Fantasy/Sci-fi genre which had previously been snubbed…

        I do enjoy this and please know I really am not knocking Star Wars as you may think…

        I think as technology advances things in both Trek and Wars will seem very silly…

        1. Came before my time really. Let’s agree to disagree here, my love for my popcorn is very real and alive and unlikely to be dislodged. Peace, brother. I will put the lighter side of the argument in a response to the Midget’s return.

      4. I do apologize…I enjoy debating…you just kept bringing up good points…and your argument is not unfounded… I enjoyed this discussion Trent and I really did like you poem…

Leave a Reply

Back To Top
%d bloggers like this: