The Rules for Bosses
1. Tidings of Joy
Never ask for anything from a subordinate until the last minute. Be sure to make most of your requests are at the end of the day, or, even better, last thing on a Friday. Be sure to use the word “subordinate” a few times during the conversation, so that they know who’s boss.
2. Hat Part I
Neglect to take into account that workers actually have other work to do than what you are giving them, and assume at all times that they are secretly hoarding time to devote entirely and exclusively to you at the drop of a hat.
3. Hat Part II
Wear a hat to the office. No one will ever make fun of you for this.
4. Appropriate Messaging
Constantly tell people how disappointed you are in them, as they love this, and it generally makes them work much harder and more productively.
Assume that the people reporting to you are easily able to work 60 to 70 hours a week and that they have no lives of their own. Ask them if this is in fact the case: “hey, do you have a life? No? I didn’t think so. You don’t look like you have a life. Douchecanoe.” Also, make sure to assume that the extra hours worked above a normal work week are at least as productive as that first 40, as science has pretty much proven that this is true.
6. Sex Politics
Make sure you adequately use your power to enable you to flirt with whoever you choose. Make it sound, at all times, as though you are doing the worker a favour by showering them with attention and praise, while expecting them to respond to your awkward winks, moans and guffaws with childlike wonder.
Understand that it is much much cheaper, more efficient, and better for the company if you wear down the people reporting to you to the point of quitting, and simply replace them with someone new, who you then retrain from scratch. Also, it is incredibly healthy to turnover your team on a regular basis so that you are the only senior person in the group, and therefore indispensable forever.
8. The Lunch Rush
When ordering in sandwiches for a lunch meeting, make sure you order as much pig-product as you can, because all those rumours about Muslim and Jewish co-workers is surely a myth. Before the meal starts, ask for a prayer circle and proceed to talk about the love Jesus had for ham. Oh wait…
9. But That’s How I Had It
Make sure as a supervisor that you are equally abusive and unreasonable to the people reporting to you as your own supervisor was to you; alternately, make sure that as a supervisor, you act in a manner that you never would outside of the workplace. Another way of thinking about this is to hoard up all the evil thoughts you have ever had and save them for the moment you enter your workplace, first snarling at the secretary and then kicking the photocopier as you proceed to ream out the first person who walks into your office with a set of expletives that further wilt the near-dead plants you keep on your window ledge.
10. Kids These Days
As a supervisor, make sure that you expect a new hire fresh out of school to instantaneously know exactly what you have learned over a decade or two in the workplace; alternately, make sure that you misconstrue the bulk of your own experience as being indicative of how much smarter you are than people coming out of school these days.
11. Kids These Days: The Sequel
Make sure at all times that you assume people coming out of school are identical to how they always were, and that they could not possibly have different priorities or interests that you have to take into account; alternately, assume that you can institute policies or provide supervision that will never be affected by societal shifts in the workplace, for you are an island. Repeat. You are an island in time and space, not affected by either, and your memories of the way it was are far more important than some trivial thing called reality.
12. Employee Growth Trajectory
Never ever let one of your employees become a manager after they have proven that they have the ability to be good at it; make sure that you maintain tight control over every project, whether you know what’s going on with it or not, otherwise you may inadvertently succeed in actually allowing a worker to grow into their potential and achieve some measure of self-satisfaction and success.
13. Female as a Gender
For male supervisors, make sure you maintain the hallowed principle of the wage, respect, and responsibility gap between male and female employees. If this becomes an issue, inform the objecting female that this is necessary because only females can procreate, and thus they already have a leg up. If they threaten to take the issue to Human Resources, give them a copy of the Joy of Cooking and allow them to bake you some muffins for tomorrow. Pretend to enjoy them.
14. Male as a Gender
For female supervisors, make sure you are prepared to heartily endorse the ascension of a male minion to a level above you, even though said male has not showered in eighteen days, cannot string more than six words together, and inadvertently (or so he says) inserted his penis into a hole punch. When he becomes your boss, be sure to read the company manual that instructs you on how to do all his work for him and still let him have the credit, as this manual has been developed over roughly ten thousand years of civilized thought and appears to be strangely irrevocable.
15. Race in the Workplace
Not touching that with a ten-foot pole. Just saying.
Do not mentor people. There is no such thing as mentoring. Actually, mentoring is what you call the remains of insects on the windshield, which are easily removed with a flip of a windshield wiper switch and a liberal dose of wiper fluid. Alternately, mentor in the worst way possible, being as overbearing, controlling and micromanagerial as possible in order to give your employees a proper example of how not to mentor.
17. Big Picture Thinking
Do not take the time to explain why you are asking someone to do something, as the big picture is completely unimportant to the average feeble-minded worker. They will not understand the big picture. They do not need to know it. If they ask why they are being requested to do something, show them your favorite paperclip and proceed to spend a half an hour explaining the story of how you found it and what it means to you, until they have forgotten what they asked in the first place. Leave in a huff, exasperated at the time you have wasted on this worthless minion.
As a supervisor, be as vague as possible when explaining tasks, because clarity is exactly the same thing as doing someone’s job for them. When the work is finally delivered, proceed to ask the worker how many times you have to tell them what it is that you actually wanted, leave, and bang a bathroom stall door a few times whether someone is sitting in there or not. When returning to the minion, cross your arms and ask them this: “Do you think I don’t know what’s happening here? Well, do you?” Maintain your posture until the employee slinks away.
19. The Money Gap
If a worker ever proves that you are wrong about something, stare at them while secretly calculating how many weeks it takes for you to make as much money as they will in a year. Put this date on a calendar. When the day rolls around, smile sweetly for this co-worker on your way to lunch, and come back after three or four martinis. Invite the worker to your office. Close the door. Point to the calendar and the red X marked on today’s date, and insist that they explain themselves.
20. The Coloured Nose
As a manager, make sure you only value people who unconditionally kiss your splotchy hide at all times, no matter what you do or how badly you do it. If a person criticizes you even in a humorous way, they are out. If a person simply wants to be the type of quiet, responsible professional upon which your company relies, and refuses to shower you with superlatives, they are also out. Conversely, this rule can be written as follows: pick, praise and promote those who love and adore you no matter how bad they are at their job, how much money they lose for the company, and how much shame they bring to their family.