The Delicate Art of Self-Seduction: Born in the Bowels of the Most Commented WordPress Blog Post Ever

As some of you may have heard, Art from Pouring My Art Out is out to break the record for comments on a single blog post: http://pouringmyartout.wordpress.com/2014/01/23/this-is-not-a-post-about-this-post-this-is-about-breaking-a-record/.  He will respond to any and every comment you make there, sans fail.  He will have the last word on everything, I promise.

I’ve been over there a few times, and I’m pretty sure my brain has been damaged by the insanity.  As proof of that, I was alone in the comment thread for a while, and not knowing what else to do (and based on Art’s instructions, by the way), I ended up flirting… with myself.  Below are the excerpts.  They’re pretty juicy.  Just try to look away… you perverts.

Years from now when we look at what Art has created, we’ll point to this as the birthplace of self-seduction!  By the way, he’s approaching 9,000 comments now, and targeting 12,083 (also known as child’s play).

_____

So. Single?

Yes.

Busy tonight?

Yes.

Do you like sushi?

Normally.

Hmmmm…..

_____

I drive a Lamborghini.

Great. So does the Biebs.

I look like the Biebs.

This conversation is over.

_____

All right. How about I grab a vacuum cleaner and we head over to the circus.

Why would I want to do that?

Because I said “vacuum cleaner”. Do I have to repeat myself?

I don’t like circuses.

You are such a tease.

_____

I have seven percent body fat.

All between your ears, I suppose.

Not all of it.

That makes no sense. Are you trying to be suggestive?

Yes. You are really hot.

Who do you think you’re talking to, exactly?

_____

I got you a nightcap.

I’m not easy, you know.

I also got you a new scarf.

Thanks?

Living the dream, baby.

Don’t call me that.

Baby?

Yup. That.

_____

Don’t act like you don’t think I’m seductive. Look at my hair.

It’s the rest of you that concerns me.

Touch my ears. Go on.

They’re kind of hairy.

Go ahead and pull. Please be gentle.

Sigh.

_____

You are putty in my hands. You are starch in my breeches.

Does that line ever work?

You are the mint jelly on my pork chop. The intestine in my haggis.

I may be swooning.

It’s about time…

_____

Well hello Trent.

Now what? Why do you have flowers?

They’re called ‘roses’.

You don’t know what those are, do you?

I said ‘roses’.

This isn’t working at all, you know.

I also have a Mars bar.

Hmmmm….

_____

You can have the first bite.

Give me the whole thing and I might snuggle with you.

Promise? Hey, you ate my Mars! And the wrapper too!

Are you ready to snuggle?

But my chocolate bar! I was saving that!

Just lean in now, and watch where you put your hands.

Oh my…

_____

Okay, have a nice day.

But that was a really short snuggle! Can I call you?

555-5555. 55. 5.

Wait, slower, let me write that down!

You’re a wanker.

I don’t know what that means! Does it mean you like me?

Find another chocolate bar and I’ll say yes.

Can I borrow some money?

Wanker.

_____

Hey there’s some guy in sunglasses watching us.

He’s the owner of Comment Thread.

I’m pretty sure he’s taking pictures…

Smile.

That’s creepy, yo!

Come here, you big lug.

What… me?

Yeah you.

Whoa… hey, easy, I’m not like that!

I think you are. Pucker up!

Holy beaver dung! You don’t waste any time!

Let’s give him a show.

_____

Um yum yum yes… yes… yes…

I thought you had something else in mind…

Soooo good….yummmy…

I was hoping for something a little more romantic… sigh.

Yummy, yummy chocolate bar…

Is that a euphemism?

Yes. For chocolate bar. Now get me another one.

If you weren’t so damn hot…

Dream hard, rage hard.

113 thoughts on “The Delicate Art of Self-Seduction: Born in the Bowels of the Most Commented WordPress Blog Post Ever

    1. Some precise instructions next time might be helpful… I did what I could, Commadante! It was a nasty, hot mess yo, but it worked out okay in the end. That guy really plays hard to get….

          1. I wonder if they were sending me a message… like a horse head in my bed. Although yesterday I clicked on a link a friend sent on Facbook and it took me to a page that locked up my computer and said I was violating copyright laws,,, man, I might have a virus, or I might actually be in trouble for that

  1. I liked this.

    No you didn’t, you said it was weird.

    No, I said it was weird, and then I said I liked it. You weren’t listening.

    I’m sorry, I was daydreaming.

    About what? Skittles? Ryan Gosling?

    Sigh. You know me so well.

      1. I don’t know, I almost feel like if I respond, we may go down a path together neither of us actually wants to go down.

          1. With, of course. Oh god, Noooooo!!!!!

            Run away. Run away.

            Which, of course, leads to a much more important issue … Star Wars vs. The Holy Grail.

              1. Yes, but you already are putty in your own hand and starch in your own pants! I’m thinking you’re well past the point at which suction will do anything. Particularly at your age.

                As for the other thing … sigh

              2. Can’t think of any other man I’d rather have a thing with.

                I’ve got to take the car in Saturday morning, then meet with a woman I’m helping publish her novel. Grocery store on the way home for the ingredients, and Saturday dinner will be Trent’s Easy Curry Chicken and Rice.

              3. Yes, it is. Cooking is most definitely one of my refuges, one of those places where I provide my own therapy for myself and always feel better.

    1. I think I’m more going insane. Art’s epic blog quest has me losing my marbles.

      Trendy Trent? Has a ring to it… but if this becomes a trend, I’m blowing up my blog in shame.

      1. No, never! It will be a hit! Just think of it. We can all be delusional by ourselves and together. Are all we already there? I’ll have to go to Art’s blog to see how it’s coming along…

          1. Re: my sucky blog functionality and infrequent posts. Here’s the thing. Because I’m in the middle of a thing.

            Currently, my blog is in the middle of being migrated from a sucky self-hosted WP.org site over to a proper NOT sucky WP.com site. Until the platform migration is complete, I can’t post anything new.

            I had to hire someone to do the migration because I don’t know JACK ALL about coding or hosting or any of that shit. She’s been working on it for almost two weeks but my blog migration is, apparently, not her highest priority (although I’m paying pretty good $$$ to have it done). It’s taking much longer than I thought it would (or, than it should) but when it’s complete, not only will I be able to post again, I’ll have proper Follow, Reblog and Like functionality, which I don’t have right now. It’s been frustrating as all hell but all I can do at this point is wait my turn.

  2. I haven’t been over to Art’s at all today and I think I’m going through withdrawal. I’m so confused about what to do, I’ve just been walking in circles and talking to my slippers.

    Your flirting was epic by the way!

    1. Ah geez, thanks. Yeah, I don’t know what to do with myself, although I am thinking about putting my wrists into some kind of tensor bandage. I saw you posted something… must run over there to see what latent fears you have managed to expose this time.

  3. you are the intestine in my haggis…..is probably the most romantic line I’ve ever heard! damn you cracked me up! I have to know…did you fall for it? lol I’m guessin even if you have a lambergini, you might wanna purchase some MilkyWay stock!!! and be careful with that vacuum… or you’ll end up with a serious hershey squirtin mess! oh ick, I grossed out myself on that one!!! haha

    1. Wow Shards, that line worked for you? I think it might have worked for me too… it was hard to tell… things got a bit confusing in there, and then the chocolate bar came along and I lost it… literally.

      Squirting mess… Shards, gross!

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