Niki, I’m called to the Olympics in Sochi. I am going to be a guard on the luge. They expect protestors because of the new laws about the gays.
<Sergei, be careful. The gays can be ruthless.>
Niki, I am at Rzhanaya Plyana, Sliding Center Sanki. The gays are in the hotel. They are very angry. Do you know what they are angry about?
<They cannot distribute their propaganda legally anymore. That is all. Are they having sex in front of you, Sergei? If so, close your eyes and remember me. Only me, Sergei.>
They are not having sex. But I saw a man and a man kiss. It is a strange thing. The gays kiss for a very long time.
<Sergei, turn away. Get out of there. Tell me when you reach the mountain.>
Niki. I am in the snow. There are gays here. They have signs. ‘Queers say nyet!’ and ‘Jesus had two fathers and he turned out okay’. What does it mean? The vendors are not serving the gays, not even coffee.
<Do not feel sad for the gays. They are fags. They are the niggers of Russia. The government already said, no to their marriage. No to their literature. No to their adoptions. No to everything. >
These fags kiss a lot, Niki. And they wear strange clothes. I am on duty now. The events have started. The protestors are chanting.
<Sergei, I have not heard from you in a while. What is happening?>
Niki, the gays are singing songs and there is much kissing. The girls are kissing with the girls now. It makes me feel strange. The men are kissing with the men again. This makes me feel stranger. But now the gays are pushing towards us, chanting. They want to get closer to the luge run. But we will not let them. We will not.
<Make me proud, Sergei. Use your stick. Beat the gays. Smash them if you must.>
Niki, a gay handed me a pamphlet. It explains about these people and how they want to marry. There is a mountain on the cover, and a cloud around the top. There are gays on the mountain, Niki. This gay girl talked to me in Russian. She is one of us. These are not foreigners, Niki.
<I see it on television. They are saying that they are going to give you the order to push the gays back soon. Be ready, Sergei. Do your duty. But be careful.>
Niki. Niki. We beat some of them. Blood is melting snow. A man kissed my face shield, so I pushed him. They are giving out more flyers now, and we are telling them that they have to stop, that it is against the law. Two girls are naked and huddled in the snow, in the middle of it. A man with a microphone is shouting. And they are kissing. We beat them. They kiss. We beat them more. They kiss. Niki, I am taking off my helmet. I am putting down my shield.
<Sergei, don’t do that. The fags will get you! And you will be fired!>
I am unzipping my coat.
<What are you doing!>
Taking my shirt off. My boats. My pants. Underwear, socks.
<Sergei!>
Other guards are looking at me. The gays are looking at me. There are some television cameras, Niki. Do you see me?
<God, Sergei. I see you. What are you going to do?>
What comes next, Niki. Whatever comes next. The gays are kissing, Niki. They kiss and they kiss and they kiss. As we have kissed. Remember, Niki?
<Why are you going to the luge track, Sergei?>
I am at the top. The ice is cold on my skin. The gays are screaming at me now. The guards are screaming, too. Niki, I dream of speed. It is very cold, and I am moving. The ice is smooth. Faster and faster I am going down. There is no way off the track, Niki, but what of it? I am moving. There is speed now. It is on my whole body, the ice beneath, the air on top. On the curves I am flung about. On the stretches, I dream a way out of these untold aches made of shit. This burning thing, this havoc, I would take the ice instead. I would take the speed.
<Oh Sergei… you asshole. You destroyed everything!>
We should destroy it, Niki.
<You are at the bottom. I see you.>
Skin is cold. Television cameras are watching me. People are cheering. Someone is putting a blanket around me, and shoes on my feet. They are giving me a coffee. And they are asking me what I sought to do, and why I would do it. And they are thinking: he cannot be real. He cannot be serious. But they ask a question which is incorrect. I am real. And I am naked before all the world.
<Don’t come back here. Ever.>
I won’t. Not ever.
<You fag, Sergei.>
I send my kisses. So many of them, in a box of snow. Goodbye, Niki.
<>
______________________
Hey Russian government! Kiss. My. Ass. It’s 2014. Think about it.
Thanks to Art from PMAO (http://pouringmyartout.wordpress.com/) for the following completely true photos of Mr. Vladimir Putin.
One of your best for sure man. I applaud your ability to tackle serious issues with humour (fuck you Google, it has a ‘u’ in it).
And nice one Art for the photos… It’s definitely a strong look!
Art’s got a keen eye for gay Putin photos, that’s for sure. He really gets into his research.
Humour spelled without the ‘u’. Don’t get me started…
Wow, great piece. I love the first person narrative.
You know, as much as I hate the idea of not watching the Olympics, I’m seriously considering it. I’m so fed up with the selection committee’s choice of locations. First China, now Russia? And don’t even get me started on the World Cup in Qatar. (Separate selection committees, I know. But still.) The Olympics should have more integrity than that.
You would think they would at least go somewhere inclusive, as it’s supposed to be inclusive… I hate mixing politics with sport, but sometimes I figure you have to stand up and make good decisions.
http://deadspin.com/staying-in-sochi-is-a-hilarious-adventure-1515722114
I read that today and it made me think of your post and precisely how grossly unprepared, on all levels, Russia is. Not that American journalists sleeping in dirty rooms is the end of the world, but the infrastructure isn’t there, the human rights laws aren’t there, and it doesn’t make any freaking sense.
Excellent fly-on-the-wall treatment here. I misread “They are very angry” as “They are very hungry.” Both equally true, I suppose. I like how they’re referred to as “the gays.” Like they arrived from some distant constellation. The Russkis don’t try shoving bible passages down our throats, like most bigots do. What do they use to rationalize their hatred?
Good-old fashioned biogotry, I assume, the pure unadulterated kind that doesn’t need any religious context at all. The real potent stuff.
Brilliant Brother!
Wake. The. Fuck. Up.
Not watching the games…I hope every last ‘red’ cent of their invested rubles is wasted.
I hope anyone with any sense of compassion and common sense boycotts this farce of sportsmanship; this joke of goodwill; this fair and open competition of champions….HA
The IOC is out of it’s collective mind.
Get the fuck out of the business of politics you asses and get your heads back in the “GAME”.
Yeah, more I think of it, the more I don’t want to bother watching. It’s just crap, SB, and as much as I want to be patriotic and all, I can’t muster the desire. It’s just not there.
Sad isn’t it? But that is the exact feeling…it’s just not there.
Nicely done, Trent. You certainly have mastered the art of tackling the tough, important issues with tongue in cheek.
Firmly in cheek… but just to be clear, it’s my own tongue… don’t want anyone to get confused
Point taken.
Ground breaking hilariousness… this was indeed a naked luge ride on the icy slopes of public opinion and stupidity and closed-mindedness and bigotry and hatred coming from nowhere… if we were in the same room right now, I would kiss you on the lips… for a very long time… because you moved me… at naked ice luging speed…
You always know how to both amuse and arouse me with comments. If you were here right now, I’d return that kiss, while cupping some ass.
sigh
Oh come here you big record-breaking lug!
watch the hands
Just trying to give the evil gay-bashing Russian government a hard time…
They have other human rights issues too.
And conveniently enough, they all stem from misguided secularism and woeful penile inadequacy.
Everything does… did you see my minion tribute… you are in it
I just saw it. Awesome, my friend. Really awesome. What a great experience this has been.
You helped make it that way… without my head minions that would have been a lot of work, a lot slower, and nowhere near as much fun.
It was my pleasure, really.
It really was fun wasn’t it. I was jonzing like a junkie…
I have done some crazy weird obsessive stuff in my life, and this felt like the best of them – irresistable, like a force of nature. It had to be done. It just had to be done.
It seems more permanent than other posts… like it really is part of history… all the work seems like we accomplished something
oh… and this is particularly amusing in light of the new post I did for our big post where I ask people to flirt with me… I expect you to wow my socks off… HA!
I did my best. I flirted like there was no tomorrow… and of course I didn’t know you were going to do that when I wrote this post. It all works out…
Cosmic coincidence…
I would have appreciated an “of epic proportions” at the end of that.
still recovering from carpal tunnel
You totally deserve a break.
Well I don’t want to lose all the momentum
You won’t. People love you!
They do, don’t they?
True dat.
yup
Well done.
Kisses for everyone. Love for everyone. Equality for everyone…
Bang on, Matticus.
Trent,
I fucking love this so hard. Original, funny, awesome.
That is all.
Nicki (not Niki)
I’ll take that. Thanks, Daniels.
Damn straight! This is perfect, Trent. What a great context to put this into. I’m awestruck.
Glad you liked. Still haven’t figured if I’m watching this show – still makes me angry.
I don’t have cable. I do love the figure skating, and the bobsled, and the…I think that’s about it! I always love the Olympics so this is pretty sad and pathetic and, really, just unbelievable! C’mon, it’s 21st Century. I thought we had progressed.
Holy shit, Trend!
Elyse, you remembered!
My mind is a steel trap.
Argh, this makes me angry but it’s also hilarious. Anytime someone seriously uses “the gays” in a sentence, I want to die.
Yeah, there’s something particular about that phrase, about homogenizing people that way. It’s like they’re “the locust” or something.
Congratulations, Trent, your blog has now officially been banned in Russia.
I was more into Ukrainians anyway.
I hope the feeling’s mutual, but I’m afraid they are too busy with their own protests at the moment to return your affection.
Ah, they got rid of their Prime Minister, I think they’re in good position for some Trent Lewin essential oil.
They just got a new PM today. I found the article and I just can’t stop staring into his face – he’s like one of those classical art’s angelic babies (Cupids, Jesuses, etc.) who aged 40 years and gained 300 pounds.
http://voiceofrussia.com/news/2014_02_05/Yanukovych-signs-decree-granting-Arbuzov-powers-of-prime-minister-4953/
Cherubic, no? But they are going to rip the living wings off that guy, and eat them.
Yes, cherubic, that’s the word I was looking for.
If the protesters do tear down this aged angel, the Ukrainian president will just find someone else for the job.
Trent Lewin covers the hard-hitting subjects as only Trent Lewin can.
I think I may need to be hit hard shortly, to be honest.
You were the little boy riding the luge trail naked, weren’t you.
Makes this piece even more poignant. We should all stand up and say We are the gays!!!
I wish… I’ve done stupider, and as a Canadian, I have superhuman tolerance for cold and ice.
Wow, Trent this is really awesome. Nice envelope pushing. (where does that phrase even come from?)
And all this time I thought you were just into flirting with Art.
There seems to be so much wrong with these Olympics! This only touches the tip of the problem!
It shouldn’t have been given to Russia, I think.
You may be right, you may be crazy or you just may be the lunatic I’m looking for . . .
This isn’t the lunatic you’re looking for… move along…
Sorry, Star Wars quote… about the same timeframe as Billy Joel maybe.
Is this akin to the “I know” from Han Solo when Princess Leia professed her love before he was entombed?
One day, I’m going to use that line myself. I’ve been saving it up.
I’ve been saving this new post because I needed something to look forward to and fuck was I not disappointed. It was so good that I’m pretty sure I found myself covering my mouth at one point over the pure shock and true envy over the courage you had to write this. And write this you did. You wrote the god damn piss out of it.
Standing ovation as crowd roars…
I find my courage comes from a wine bottle these days, and the inevitable anger it creates after I get to glass number 3. Glass number 3 is the key to rage, I think. Thanks for the words, my friend, they mean a lot.
Great use of humor to make a point about bigotry.
Thank you, Frank.
every time I think about Putin, I think about puter, which leads to thoughts about puntang!! which is what he is!!!! He’s so totally in the closet, the doorknob is up his ass!!!
oh, and I totally forgot, great writing…loved it. I felt for the coooold parts of the dude going down the luge tho…..brrrrrrrrr
Thank you so much Shards… and stay warm! No naked snow-sliding for you!
my house is froze solid, all the water..including the toilet….I could slide in my bathtub!! damn, think I’ll write something bout that. lol thanks! 🙂
Yeah I think he’s denying things just a little bit… come on, Vlady, come out where we can see you! No one’s gonna judge!
Timely.
Fun.
Fearless.
Brilliant.
I’m honoured by that, Hook. Really. Fearless is kind of my goal.
The human mind works in amazing ways. You really are not gonna stop being weird, are you? Are you even slightly considering it?
I wouldn’t know how, Doc.
And would you wish it?
No, I wouldn’t.
Not surprising.
Putin didn’t kiss another man on the mouth. Rumour has it that he possibly does that with young boys, though. But one can’t always believe rumours.
Arab men kiss each other on the mouth, it being a tradition. Indeed, one of the most stomach churning things I ever saw in my life was Yasar Arafat preparing to lay a really wet one on the King of Jordan. Somehow the king managed not to flinch or show any disgust. The poor bastard. Just imagine Yasar Arafat laying a really wet kiss on ya. Uggg. That scene is indelibly imprinted on my mind forever. “The horror. The horror.”
I had no idea… that Putin cretin is just one of a kind. Now Arafat… gross dude to begin with.
Bizarre. Not really sure why the guy slid down the slope naked, or how he survived, but I like not knowing these things. Reminds me of that Flannery O Connor book where the guy kills the other guy in the bear costume and then puts it on…no idea why he did it, but it had conviction and it made the story stand out. This does the same thing.
Though the line at the end about ‘being naked in front of the whole world’ didn’t really work for me. Bit too blunt maybe.
Yeah I wasn’t sure I loved the line at the end. Sorry for late reply, your comment was sent to spam. I don’t know why I like to streak at all times of year. Mental deformity or the like. Anyway, thanks much for reading.