How to Gay-Bash in Russia: Sergei’s Text Updates

Niki, I’m called to the Olympics in Sochi.  I am going to be a guard on the luge.  They expect protestors because of the new laws about the gays.

<Sergei, be careful.  The gays can be ruthless.>

Niki, I am at Rzhanaya Plyana, Sliding Center Sanki.  The gays are in the hotel.  They are very angry.  Do you know what they are angry about?

<They cannot distribute their propaganda legally anymore.  That is all.  Are they having sex in front of you, Sergei?  If so, close your eyes and remember me.  Only me, Sergei.>

They are not having sex.  But I saw a man and a man kiss.  It is a strange thing.  The gays kiss for a very long time.

<Sergei, turn away.  Get out of there.  Tell me when you reach the mountain.>

Niki.  I am in the snow.  There are gays here.  They have signs.  ‘Queers say nyet!’ and ‘Jesus had two fathers and he turned out okay’.  What does it mean?  The vendors are not serving the gays, not even coffee.

Gay rights activists kiss as they are detained by police officers during a gay rights protest in St. Petersburg

<Do not feel sad for the gays.  They are fags.  They are the niggers of Russia.  The government already said, no to their marriage.  No to their literature.  No to their adoptions.  No to everything. >

These fags kiss a lot, Niki.  And they wear strange clothes.  I am on duty now.  The events have started.  The protestors are chanting.

<Sergei, I have not heard from you in a while.  What is happening?>

Niki, the gays are singing songs and there is much kissing.  The girls are kissing with the girls now.  It makes me feel strange.  The men are kissing with the men again.  This makes me feel stranger.  But now the gays are pushing towards us, chanting.  They want to get closer to the luge run.  But we will not let them.  We will not.

<Make me proud, Sergei.  Use your stick.  Beat the gays.  Smash them if you must.>

Niki, a gay handed me a pamphlet.  It explains about these people and how they want to marry.  There is a mountain on the cover, and a cloud around the top.  There are gays on the mountain, Niki.  This gay girl talked to me in Russian.  She is one of us.  These are not foreigners, Niki.

<I see it on television.  They are saying that they are going to give you the order to push the gays back soon.  Be ready, Sergei.  Do your duty.  But be careful.>

Niki.  Niki.  We beat some of them.  Blood is melting snow.  A man kissed my face shield, so I pushed him.  They are giving out more flyers now, and we are telling them that they have to stop, that it is against the law.  Two girls are naked and huddled in the snow, in the middle of it.  A man with a microphone is shouting.  And they are kissing.  We beat them.  They kiss.  We beat them more.  They kiss.  Niki, I am taking off my helmet.  I am putting down my shield.

Anti-gay protesters dressed in cossack uniforms form a human chain as they try to prevent gay rights activists from staging a protest in St. Petersburg

<Sergei, don’t do that.  The fags will get you!  And you will be fired!>

I am unzipping my coat.

<What are you doing!>

Taking my shirt off.  My boats.  My pants.  Underwear, socks.


Other guards are looking at me.  The gays are looking at me.  There are some television cameras, Niki.  Do you see me?

<God, Sergei.  I see you.  What are you going to do?>

What comes next, Niki.  Whatever comes next.  The gays are kissing, Niki.  They kiss and they kiss and they kiss.  As we have kissed.  Remember, Niki?

<Why are you going to the luge track, Sergei?>

I am at the top.  The ice is cold on my skin.  The gays are screaming at me now.  The guards are screaming, too.  Niki, I dream of speed.  It is very cold, and I am moving.  The ice is smooth.  Faster and faster I am going down.  There is no way off the track, Niki, but what of it?  I am moving.  There is speed now.  It is on my whole body, the ice beneath, the air on top.  On the curves I am flung about.  On the stretches, I dream a way out of these untold aches made of shit.  This burning thing, this havoc, I would take the ice instead.  I would take the speed.

<Oh Sergei… you asshole.  You destroyed everything!>

We should destroy it, Niki.

<You are at the bottom.  I see you.>

Skin is cold.  Television cameras are watching me.  People are cheering.  Someone is putting a blanket around me, and shoes on my feet.  They are giving me a coffee.  And they are asking me what I sought to do, and why I would do it.  And they are thinking: he cannot be real.  He cannot be serious.  But they ask a question which is incorrect.  I am real.  And I am naked before all the world.

<Don’t come back here.  Ever.>

I won’t.  Not ever.

<You fag, Sergei.>

I send my kisses.  So many of them, in a box of snow.  Goodbye, Niki.



Hey Russian government!  Kiss.  My.  Ass.  It’s 2014.  Think about it.

Thanks to Art from PMAO ( for the following completely true photos of Mr. Vladimir Putin.


Dream hard, rage hard.

89 thoughts on “How to Gay-Bash in Russia: Sergei’s Text Updates

  1. One of your best for sure man. I applaud your ability to tackle serious issues with humour (fuck you Google, it has a ‘u’ in it).

    And nice one Art for the photos… It’s definitely a strong look!

    1. Art’s got a keen eye for gay Putin photos, that’s for sure. He really gets into his research.

      Humour spelled without the ‘u’. Don’t get me started…

  2. Wow, great piece. I love the first person narrative.

    You know, as much as I hate the idea of not watching the Olympics, I’m seriously considering it. I’m so fed up with the selection committee’s choice of locations. First China, now Russia? And don’t even get me started on the World Cup in Qatar. (Separate selection committees, I know. But still.) The Olympics should have more integrity than that.

    1. You would think they would at least go somewhere inclusive, as it’s supposed to be inclusive… I hate mixing politics with sport, but sometimes I figure you have to stand up and make good decisions.

  3. Excellent fly-on-the-wall treatment here. I misread “They are very angry” as “They are very hungry.” Both equally true, I suppose. I like how they’re referred to as “the gays.” Like they arrived from some distant constellation. The Russkis don’t try shoving bible passages down our throats, like most bigots do. What do they use to rationalize their hatred?

  4. Brilliant Brother!
    Wake. The. Fuck. Up.
    Not watching the games…I hope every last ‘red’ cent of their invested rubles is wasted.
    I hope anyone with any sense of compassion and common sense boycotts this farce of sportsmanship; this joke of goodwill; this fair and open competition of champions….HA
    The IOC is out of it’s collective mind.
    Get the fuck out of the business of politics you asses and get your heads back in the “GAME”.

    1. Yeah, more I think of it, the more I don’t want to bother watching. It’s just crap, SB, and as much as I want to be patriotic and all, I can’t muster the desire. It’s just not there.

  5. Ground breaking hilariousness… this was indeed a naked luge ride on the icy slopes of public opinion and stupidity and closed-mindedness and bigotry and hatred coming from nowhere… if we were in the same room right now, I would kiss you on the lips… for a very long time… because you moved me… at naked ice luging speed…

              1. I have done some crazy weird obsessive stuff in my life, and this felt like the best of them – irresistable, like a force of nature. It had to be done. It just had to be done.

    1. I did my best. I flirted like there was no tomorrow… and of course I didn’t know you were going to do that when I wrote this post. It all works out…

      1. I don’t have cable. I do love the figure skating, and the bobsled, and the…I think that’s about it! I always love the Olympics so this is pretty sad and pathetic and, really, just unbelievable! C’mon, it’s 21st Century. I thought we had progressed.

              1. Yes, cherubic, that’s the word I was looking for.
                If the protesters do tear down this aged angel, the Ukrainian president will just find someone else for the job.

  6. You were the little boy riding the luge trail naked, weren’t you.

    Makes this piece even more poignant. We should all stand up and say We are the gays!!!

  7. I’ve been saving this new post because I needed something to look forward to and fuck was I not disappointed. It was so good that I’m pretty sure I found myself covering my mouth at one point over the pure shock and true envy over the courage you had to write this. And write this you did. You wrote the god damn piss out of it.
    Standing ovation as crowd roars…

    1. I find my courage comes from a wine bottle these days, and the inevitable anger it creates after I get to glass number 3. Glass number 3 is the key to rage, I think. Thanks for the words, my friend, they mean a lot.

  8. every time I think about Putin, I think about puter, which leads to thoughts about puntang!! which is what he is!!!! He’s so totally in the closet, the doorknob is up his ass!!!

  9. Putin didn’t kiss another man on the mouth. Rumour has it that he possibly does that with young boys, though. But one can’t always believe rumours.

    Arab men kiss each other on the mouth, it being a tradition. Indeed, one of the most stomach churning things I ever saw in my life was Yasar Arafat preparing to lay a really wet one on the King of Jordan. Somehow the king managed not to flinch or show any disgust. The poor bastard. Just imagine Yasar Arafat laying a really wet kiss on ya. Uggg. That scene is indelibly imprinted on my mind forever. “The horror. The horror.”

  10. Bizarre. Not really sure why the guy slid down the slope naked, or how he survived, but I like not knowing these things. Reminds me of that Flannery O Connor book where the guy kills the other guy in the bear costume and then puts it on…no idea why he did it, but it had conviction and it made the story stand out. This does the same thing.

    Though the line at the end about ‘being naked in front of the whole world’ didn’t really work for me. Bit too blunt maybe.

    1. Yeah I wasn’t sure I loved the line at the end. Sorry for late reply, your comment was sent to spam. I don’t know why I like to streak at all times of year. Mental deformity or the like. Anyway, thanks much for reading.

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