Warning: do not read this if you are looking for quality. Or coherence. Or even half-decent grammar.
Art from PMAO left me in charge of his record-breaking comment thread yesterday (http://wp.me/p25PYJ-21u). This is generally not a good idea. I had some fun with Jennifer Windram (http://jenniferwindram.com/) and Lindsay Cummings (http://lindsaycummingswrites.com/) and Masta Z (that’s Zoe: http://behindthemaskofabuse.com/).
What followed was the worst rap in the history of the world, helped along by a lot of wine and some serious scotch. I apologize to anyone who actually reads this.
—————
It started off innocent enough…
Got a wine glass empty on the floor
Too lazy to fill it up some more
I’m a mean rapper ryhming machine
Gonna check to see if my socks are clean
Socks are clean
Socks are clean
That’s what I mean
When my socks aren’t clean
Filling up the wine from the bottle oh yeah
Give it up little bottle that’s right you gotta share
Thinking I’m gonna do some drive-by comments real soon
Things getting real when you living in this hood
Socks are wet
Socks are wet
That’s what I mean
When my socks aren’t clean
Art’s not hanging out right now in his pad
What’s going on with that crazy overlord lad
Gonna get him some real gold chains and a mic
Then we’ll hold hands as we go for a hike
Socks aren’t there
Socks aren’t there
Neither is, neither is
Neither is my under-wear
Socks in the bush
Socks in the bush
Gonna get new socks
And stuff for my tush
————
Then comment record thread got kinda real…
Oh my my, Lewin coming through
Counting my chains
As I head to the loo
Oh my my, Lewin getting down
Soupin my ride
As I rap like a cow
Moo moo moo, moo moo moo
Cow’s in the pasture
And the shit’s on the move
Moo moo moo, steak on the grill
Make it medium rare
Cause we super chill
———————–
And inevitably I got kinda hungry…
Found a crack squirrel farting in my bed
Said “yo yo” and kicked me in the head
Got my homies to rustle me a trap
Then I sat down and made this rap
Crack squirrel going on the bb—q
Crack squirrel getting cooked real soon
Crack squirrel don’t mess with me please
Gonna eat you with some lima beans
I said lima beans, lima beans
Make crack squirrel taste real clean
I said lima bean, lima beans
Crack squirrel done went crazy gee
———————-
Then Jennifer told me about some hardware…
Jennifer says “I gotta get a gat”
I asked her hey, what’s with that?
She said it’s a gun, a little bit bad
Getting kinda real in the comment thread
Now X is saying hey, legal law suit
Yo yo ‘merican, what’s with the poop?
There’s poop all over, all over the place
Gonna get the gat and a can of mace
But yo yo, see, I’m a peaceful kind of Lewin
A speckled cow who does some gentle moo’n
There ain’t no call for lawyers and gats
Gonna shove em both down the toilet hatch
Toilet hatch, toilet hatch
Mean Lewin moo’n in the poopy patch
Toilet hatch, toilet htach
Wizzed on a lawyer and that was that
—————–
And Art asked me how we procreate up here, in Canada…
Bunnies screwing in the snow
What’s that noise holy crow
It’s Canadians making little babes
As they’re shovelling snow with spades
It’s awkward yes and a bit uncouth
So we mix vodka with a shot of vermouth
I say hold, up, Canadian’s breeding coming through
We’ll do it anywhere, even in the basement loo
We’ll even procreate in this comment thread so wacked
And scream at the top of our lungs : yo, schmack!
———————
Art came back from dinner, and things did not improve…
Homie came flying back from dinner
You better treat the missus like a winna
Fix her a drink, now don’t be shy
Massage her calves as you’re walking by
Gently at first, you better treat her like gold
Our wives put up with us you know holmes!
Yo yo lay down some mean rap baby
And don’t say no, just say maybe
Give us some Cali mean rapping beats
Try to incorproate some drunken sheep
Baaa-baaa-baaa is all you gotta say
When sheep our chomping on the hay
But do sheep really eat hay I gotta ask?
Holy crap I just emptied another flask!
I’m gassed but don’t tell anyone G
Gotta fill a wine bottle with my pee.
—————–
So many bodily functions. I think I peed in Art’s closet…
Hey hold up, yo yo, G
Gotta go for another pee
Drank all this wine from my glass
Now Art’s back to cap my ass
When I say “cap my ass” you know
It’s a metaphor for bromance yo
Art’s my homie checkin out the hood
Brought me doggy treats so good
——————–
And finally, out of rhymes, Art challenged me to do some opera…
ooooooo……uuuuuuu…… yaaaaaa……..shoooohooowooooo, yum. yum yum yum…..ooooooooo shoochooo ah la la la….looo looo….chuuuuuu (interlude) lllllllaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!! fffaaaaaaaaaaaalllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasooooooooooooooooooolllalllallalllalllallallallalallalalallssosoosososososososososo
Once again, my sincerest apologies. Shit got real yo!
Trent Lewin 
What will it take for you to record an audio or video version of this?
Two bottles of wine and one mickey of scotch?
This is a great idea.
I am sure that can be arranged.
I didn’t realize you were in Canada. Are you sure you’re not that other awesome one-hit wonder, Snow?
Yup, in Canada. Nah, I’m not Snow. I’m not even Maestro.
Trent, I think you should get some rest man.
Dude, you are so right.
Can you get me in touch with your rest dealer, Sean, because I can’t get any where I am?
There was scotch? No one told me there was scotch. It is really out of character for me to miss scotch. Of course wine ruins scotch but someone should have let me know there was scotch. Have I mentioned that I like scotch?
I had no idea… but I’m down with that. Scotch all around, Art’s buying!
Art told me I had to BYOB. I like your plan better.
Word.
Tru dat.
I feel that here it is only appropriate for me to be feel inclined to respond by replying:
YO.
Have a good day, Trent.
(Hey so there’s thing food place called YOSUSHI. You could be YOTRENT)
*cough cough*
😀 (insert cheesy grin here)
You too. I like the sound of YOTRENT, but I got a feeling the service will be a little slow.
Burgers and fries with EXTRA BBQ sauce will do the trick
Mmmm….great
Now I want a burger.
I always want a burger.
Word.
Yo.
PS. This was fucking hilarious, BTW. Laughs have been few and far between the past couple of weekends. Laugh at this, I did, when I first read it. I was in the grocery store and thought of this. Started laughing again. People probably thought i was crazy, but who cares? It was funny. Please don’t be sorry. Ha!
Glad you had a laugh, in the grocery store of all places. I laughed hard when I was writing it. I have no real fear of words in any combination and for whatever end, so crazy is just that – but it’s great to see that people are so cool about it.
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (stops for breath) HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (takes a drink)
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (was a good drink)
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (coughs)
that’s a (w)rap
Tell me true, SB: have I lost it?????
weil…………either that or you’ve found it….whatever IT is.
Well said, SB. Here’s to fun!
I’ll drink to that! Need a refill?
Always.
LOL. Either you were three sheets to the wind (read “drunk as a skunk” when you wrote this or you’re real good at pretending. Either way, this gave me quite the chuckle. Not bad for a rap. It even rhymes and scans in places.
Thank you! Mostly drunk, to be honest.
Oh my my my. You guys are so very fly( not)
We’re not proud, Audra…
Oh you should be. Greatness. Silliness. Camaraderie.
You always know what to say.
I haven’t heard anything this stirring since DJ Scratch and MC Sniff busted rhymes at the ’79 Masters of Polka slam.
You know Guapo, I’ll totally take that.
Yo, homie, you hit dat rap nasty.
Word.
Rappa TL is a terrible moniker. I propose…Vanilla Delight.
Hey, there’s nothing vanilla about my rap!
Who says there’s nothing of substance over there on Art’s blog. Oh, yeah, everybody.
Apparently, it’s contagious!
Yup. That dang fun attitude and joie de vivre is spreading all over… the nerve.
Now do the part where you tried to pick yourself up like a cheap bar floozy and you shot yourself down in flames!!!
I am such a floozy that it only takes like two beers for me to go there.
and yet you still shot yourself down
Well, I do have standards you know…
I do kn… wait… what?????
It’s kind of complicated, but that’s just how I roll.
sure it is
You’re mean.
sorry… being silly
Meanie!
poot
Poot?? Trent, I think Art just farted on you….
He does that all the time, J!
Trent, I say this most politely:
You really rocked this shit
Like dwarves in diamond pit
You really ain’t no gentle cowin’
coss you mooin’ like inna groovin’
Something memorable has really come off PMAO’s experiment for you.
Wonder how he feels about THIS he has done to you.
I take it all in stride
With pride?
you decide
Now you hide?
I lied
On my ride?
I will let it slide
Won’t I chide?
well tan my hide
And you won’t hide?
nope
You’ll cope?
I hope
I am not sure he will be entirely accountable for it, Doc. And I guess nor should he be. It was fun.
I see.
You really did good with them lines.
I was a little drunk.
I guess it works well for you…. your personal gateway to the psychedelic.
Hee and his fabulous Larious Brothers
They’re a good bunch, especially after a few pints.
Trent. This was one of the most brilliant pieces of writing I’ve ever read while wrapping presents. You are brilliant!! What’s your rapper name?
Linda, you should really refrain from wrapping while reading rap. I don’t want to see you hurt yourself.
In the way of a challenge, I think you should write some rap. With your gift of rhyme, I think you could lay down some wicked beats. You still owe a poutine piece… is a rap about poutine in the offing, perhaps?
Oh now that’s a challenge I’ll take you up on, Trent. Only I’m afraid my rapping may sound more like a nursery rhyme rap. Hmm . . . a mother goose rap . . . I kinda like the sounds of that!
Do it…..
Vanilla Delight or about Trendy Trent? Did you already forget about that one! You and Art are having quite the bromance. I’m quite tickled about it here.
Trendy Trent… I forgot that one.
Yes, the bromance started slow, around 1000 comments it was pretty awkward. But by 10,000, it was totally out there… man, this is not heading towards a good place, is it? Yay bromance!
I bet you’ll be planning vacations together by 30,000 comments!
ummmm…. actually… that didn’t even require 10,000 comments 🙂
Ha ha!
Yeah… sigh…
Oh boy… I don’t know how I’m going to explain that to my wife.
I think you already got half of your rap album here, MC Trent. Just 20,000 more comments and you’ll be ready to head to the studio.
Speaking of rap… as I’m doing research for my next post (incidentally, also rap-related), I have discovered that there was a rap group called L.O.X.. Apparently, my name is already a rap name.
I think you could lay down a vicious rhyme, X. Really, rap next? I’m intrigued.
Oh. Ma. Lord.
What’s the tally over there up to?
Yup. 19,405 and counting. Should hit 20,000 in about, oh, 18 minutes. I saw you posted your ongoing saga of the court trial…. honestly, without sounding too brownnosey about it, but I’m going to save that post for a quiet time and place.
Haha! Excellent.
Yay! What fun it was. Such…amazing raps came from it 🙂 You definitely kept me and my Crantini brain entertained for hours! Well done. Thanks for the minion shout out…I just commandeered that position.
You’ve definitely got minion talents, I must say. Welcome to the party!
Thanks, Trent. I’m always happy to be in the thick of things:)
I’m sad I missed the rapping. As a DJ I would have been qualified to drop some beats to it, remix it, and maybe mix in a bit of my rhymey rhymes.
That would have been awesome… I saw you posted some stuff this morning, looking forward to it. I’m still trapped in Art-land. We’re going to stop commenting at 19,990 so that he can get to the end himself.
Well played. 😀
What a journey that has been.
My wrists ache. I can only imagine how Art is feeling.
Fried. But jovial from all the attention. He does so love being the center of attention.
Yup.
Doesn’t get better than ‘crack squirrel farting in my bed’.
I smell a children’s book series brewin’.
Crack squirrel needs a fix
Crack squirrel blows a raccoon for a dime bag
Crack squirrel goes to rehab
Can we seriously consider Crack Squirrel tee-shirts?
I think that is a wonderful idea. You should totally mention this to Art… wait, maybe I will. I would buy a crack squirrel shirt in a second – can you draw???
Draw? I can barely write. I would also buy a CS shirt. Not sure what that says about either of us.
It can’t be good.
It was a bad idea to read this in my staff room. Now I’m the weird girl laughing to herself. Thanks.
Sorry Janey.
Deeply moving and disturbing in equal measure
I felt moved, too, after the second bottle of wine.
There are few combinations of words that are better than this combination of words.
Did you find the deeper meaning?
I didn’t find the shallower one.
Then you are truly screwed. Welcome to the club.
I hope you didn’t forget about me, especially with my abandonment of the internet! I’m back and going to be posting again. but made the old stuff all private bc i can’t ever bare to delete journal/blog/whatever entries
Hey you’re back! Couse I haven’t forgotten you. Looking forward to seeing some new stuff.
You’re brilliance shines much more brightly now that I’m reading them sober. And I can see the common thread … the use of animals to express your deepest emotions. Well done.
My favorite line: “Moo moo moo, moo moo moo” How does one come up with words that touch the soul like this?
One simply gnaws on the gristle of a steak while consuming tremendous amounts of wine, and remembers the good old days when one was sane. Easy!
Have you posted something recently? I am lost in work at moment, it’s like it’s reared its ugly head to destroy me because I spent so much time on a certain comment thread. All I can say is, work sucks.
No, I have barely been on my blog. Work is sucking my time away too. Yeah, I blame that comment thread for all my problems.
Yeah, but I still miss it…
WHY HAVE i NOT SEEN YOUR LAST THREE POSTS???
MY READER IS FUCKED!!!
I’ve not seen this till now! Rap on, yo!! Shit DID get real – and I dug the operatic ending!
I was really really drunk… and it was fun.
You wrote this drunk?
Wow. I have to start drinking. I really do.
Well, it was a bit of a party on Art’s record thread. I think most of the people on it at the time were drunk.
Why was I not invited? ‘
Where am I when all the good parties are going on?
Probably stuck somewhere with my kid. Or drinking with my kid. We start em early young, here.
I’m pretty sure it was an open invitation. Things got a bit weird. I’m ok with that.
Drinking with your kid, eh. I got a long way to go before that.
hahaha I’ll have two of whatever you’re having. Well, the scotch, not the wine.
I knew there was something I liked about you… well, beyond your poetry I mean. Scotch all around!
YES! 😀 Cheers!
This is hilarious! You guys need your own show! Thanks for the mention bro,yo!
No problem, yo.
Struttin with a head inflated, that’s rated Z
ya Z
Rappa Z
Masta Z, the legend, the lady.
with a head all inflateeee….lol