Too much fiction can make a person overly serious. I often like to substitute clanking prose on the keyboard with shopping on-line… somewhere in that statement is an important commentary on humans as a whole.
I’m sure everyone has heard of the mega on-line site Alibaba (http://www.alibaba.com/). It is a Chinese-hosted site from which you can buy literally anything, and has made its founders extremely rich. This website transacts hundreds of billions of dollars a year in merchandise. But this is not your average Craigslist or Kijiji or even Amazon. Some examples:
A writer’s got to have downtime, and how better to have that than on your own used luxury cruise ship (up to 900,000,000 euros!):
But for those moments when sailing above the seas isn’t gestating your creative juices well enough, simply buy a submarine (it’s yellow!) and go find a giant squid to fight (no one’s written a book about that yet, have they?):
Then relax on your private Grecian island (Greek islands come cheap right now, by the way):
What all the really bent writers are wearing these days. Don this outfit to a political function and make your statement. I expect to see this Putin-mask and Obama-underwear get-up worn proudly on the next season of House of Cards as Kevin Spacey spins further into hell:
HELPFUL MACHINES (for when you need a little income to supplement your abundant writing revenue)
I stared at the picture but couldn’t figure out how this works. It’s a tampon-making machine.
I think this is just a vacuum-drying machine, but it appears to be specifically for turtles. Soft-shelled ones. Yes, that’s a dried turtle.
This is an animal incinerator. I had no idea.
And of course, there are semen storage devices. I don’t know, to me these look a little big for personal use. Even for writers.
FUN DIVERSIONS (because you can’t be at the keyboard all the time)
This stuff is labeled as “fashion hot wholesale beautiful pubic hair“. I believe ’em.
Mr. Bieber, you bring shame to Canada. I wonder if he really looks like this. This is: Attractive Popular Flesh Justin Bieber Sex.
And for when the real stuff just isn’t good enough – inflatable excrement.
COMBAT DEVICES (for when you go completely off the deep end)
I don’t know about you, but I found this sniper jacket and pants combination to be very weird and a little reminiscent of a wookie hide.
These are actually advertised as ISIS/ISIL fighting knitting balaclavas. Nice.
This has nothing to do with combat, but I had to throw these beef testicles in. I mean, why wouldn’t I?
Fragments of the Chelyabinsk meteor. Don’t let Putin find out you’re buying these, or he will put a proper smack-down on Ukraine this time, then come after you.
I don’t know, something about these guys just freaks me out. Who needs donkey and horse hides anyway?
And finally, I typed in my name to see if you could actually buy a Trent Lewin or some version thereof if you really really wanted to (I mean, don’t you???). Fortunately, I was not for sale, but my last name did lead to this exciting link:
That’s right. It’s a Lewin brand gynecological examination table. Of course it is.
Did you try to lick your elbow yet?