Did You Know that You Cannot Lick Your Elbow?

Too much fiction can make a person overly serious. I often like to substitute clanking prose on the keyboard with shopping on-line… somewhere in that statement is an important commentary on humans as a whole.

I’m sure everyone has heard of the mega on-line site Alibaba (http://www.alibaba.com/). It is a Chinese-hosted site from which you can buy literally anything, and has made its founders extremely rich. This website transacts hundreds of billions of dollars a year in merchandise. But this is not your average Craigslist or Kijiji or even Amazon. Some examples:


A writer’s got to have downtime, and how better to have that than on your own used luxury cruise ship (up to 900,000,000 euros!):


But for those moments when sailing above the seas isn’t gestating your creative juices well enough, simply buy a submarine (it’s yellow!) and go find a giant squid to fight (no one’s written a book about that yet, have they?):


Then relax on your private Grecian island (Greek islands come cheap right now, by the way):

Grecian island


What all the really bent writers are wearing these days. Don this outfit to a political function and make your statement. I expect to see this Putin-mask and Obama-underwear get-up worn proudly on the next season of House of Cards as Kevin Spacey spins further into hell:

putin mask

Obama shorts

HELPFUL MACHINES (for when you need a little income to supplement your abundant writing revenue)

I stared at the picture but couldn’t figure out how this works. It’s a tampon-making machine.

tampon machine

I think this is just a vacuum-drying machine, but it appears to be specifically for turtles. Soft-shelled ones. Yes, that’s a dried turtle.

turtle dryer

This is an animal incinerator. I had no idea.

animal incinerator

And of course, there are semen storage devices. I don’t know, to me these look a little big for personal use. Even for writers.

semen storage

FUN DIVERSIONS (because you can’t be at the keyboard all the time)

This stuff is labeled as “fashion hot wholesale beautiful pubic hair“. I believe ’em.

pubic hair

Mr. Bieber, you bring shame to Canada. I wonder if he really looks like this. This is: Attractive Popular Flesh Justin Bieber Sex.

Bieber doll

And for when the real stuff just isn’t good enough – inflatable excrement.

inflatable excrement

COMBAT DEVICES (for when you go completely off the deep end)

I don’t know about you, but I found this sniper jacket and pants combination to be very weird and a little reminiscent of a wookie hide.

sniper outfit

These are actually advertised as ISIS/ISIL fighting knitting balaclavas. Nice.


This has nothing to do with combat, but I had to throw these beef testicles in. I mean, why wouldn’t I?

beef testicles


Fragments of the Chelyabinsk meteor. Don’t let Putin find out you’re buying these, or he will put a proper smack-down on Ukraine this time, then come after you.


I don’t know, something about these guys just freaks me out. Who needs donkey and horse hides anyway?

donkey hide

And finally, I typed in my name to see if you could actually buy a Trent Lewin or some version thereof if you really really wanted to (I mean, don’t you???). Fortunately, I was not for sale, but my last name did lead to this exciting link:


That’s right. It’s a Lewin brand gynecological examination table. Of course it is.

Did you try to lick your elbow yet?





Dream hard, rage hard.

104 thoughts on “Did You Know that You Cannot Lick Your Elbow?

  1. You’d better hope, Trent, that the NRA doesn’t check your browser history. Oh wait, you’re Canadian. Maybe your browser history is off limits to the NRA. (Or maybe not.)

    1. Isn’t the NRA the National Rifle Association? Doobster, if I’m about to be done in by a bunch of gun-wielding fanatics, please give me a warning. I will dutifully wear a blindfold. But no clothes. Absolutely no clothes. For my last meal, I will take a steaming plate of testicles – extra testicular, if you please.

  2. I’ll try not to look at the brand name on the exam table the next time I go for a pap smear.

    Now, there’s an image no one will be able to get out of their heads. Sorry.

  3. I checked out the Greek island just to see if it’s in my price range. I didn’t see the price, but I saw instead that 1175 suppliers offer the same product for sale. Which must mean that Greek economy is really in trouble if they’re selling 1175 islands.
    Also, I think that the Barack Obama underwear should contain his signature “Hope and Change” slogan – with “Hope” on the front and “Change” on the rear.

    1. As long as Putin is directing his hollow stare firmly at Obama’s instruments of progressive thought, I think we’re all good.

      I’ve actually been to a couple of Greek islands… we should go in on one together and throw a wild blog party someday.

  4. Wow some of that stuff is disturbing. I like your Lewin chair, a great gift for your wife…or not..
    No I did not try to lick my elbow.

    1. Masta Z in the house! Lick that elbow, dude. You have to try. I’ve been doing some awesome neck stretches… once I get it done, I’m totally posting some pictures. I may have to elongate my tongue (you can buy a tongue stretcher on Alibaba, by the way), but it’s all worth it.

      1. Yo bro! Um no thanks I can die knowing I’ve never licked my elbow but, I must live to see pics of you do it and that extra long tongue!

  5. I spent my whole childhood trying to lick my elbow, so I didn’t bother trying today. For most of the time I tried I could bite my own toenails which I haven’t been able to do in a bit, so I am pretty sure I have not become more flexible with time.

    As for the merchandise you show, I think I’d like a Greek island. I didn’t make it to Greece so I think it is only fair I own a piece of it. Of course, I don’t want to click on the website for fear of getting a virus — probably ebola.

    1. Flossie! You’re here! Tell you what, I will locate and purchase a square metre of Greek ocean that happens to have a protruding reef and I will emboss it with a Flossie flag. A Flossie pennant if you will!

      Man, I cannot get enough of that name for some reason…

  6. So glad you posted this – some of those items were in my Alibaba shopping cart. Glad I got your expert advice before I hit the buy button. Returns suck.

    1. Whaaaaat…. Kelly, I had no idea you were into some of this stuff! But I’m glad I could help, and will sincerely offer my discounted rate for on all money saved… I am that generous.

      1. Ha! OK I’ll let you know what my final selections are so I can apply your discounts – yes, so generous of you. This was definitely a departure from the Aboriginal schools and self-inflicted mutilation of late, but I’m still waiting for tangerine trees and marmalade skies from you, so to speak.

  7. I’ve heard of Alibaba, Trent, but have never checked out their site. Now I see what I’ve been missing! Some wild stuff here. Something for everyone and, certainly, an entertaining distraction. I wonder what will come up if I type in my name. Hey, I’ve been missing your posts. I’m sorry! I didn’t see them. It’s been happening to me lately a lot. I will catch up.

    1. No problem Amy, I haven’t been posting much of late though I have more time on my hands at present so probably will do some more stuff. Don’t get sucked in by Alibaba, or next thing you know you’ll buy some used Russian tank or something.

  8. I wouldn’t mind shopping with you Trent. Generally shopping is not my forte, but you have a slightly different perspective – not that I’m surprised.

    1. I’m actually a terrible shopper, I spend anything in my wallet without discrimination. I am trying hard to steer myself away from on-line shopping, as it could be a deep dark well.

  9. Oh the Beiber shame. Again. What is rather disturbing is you found all these objects – and that these objects not only exist but obviously sell! I apparently live a sheltered life! What next I ask – maybe mainstream films on BDSM relationships?

    1. Bieber sucks. I got a good mind to head over to Stratford and smack him around a few times, let me know if you’re interested in a short road trip.

      It was like nothing to find all these items. Honestly, I just put in random things in the search box on the site, and stuff showed up. I figure one day, there’ll be no combination of words that don’t result in a buyable product on this site. That’ll be right around the time we’re forced to flee the planet, I imagine.

      Mainstream films on BDSM? That will NEVER happen.

  10. Haha. I’ve heard of the sight. Thank you for showing me what I haven’t been missing. Buy someone else’s beautiful pubic hair? No, just no! *gaghork* I will pay better attention to the gyno chair.

  11. You had me with the submarine, who doesn’t want their own submarine, but then you got to the semen storage devices and then I realized the two are basically the same thing.

  12. The Justin Bieber sex freaks me out…why is the vajayjay surrounded by ass cheeks? And I wonder if they install the pubic hair like plugs? And…that tampon making machine? That’s a pad…not a tampon! Leave it to them not to know the diff. Beef Balls are delish! 🙂 Oh, and the chair….can’t stop looking at that vacuum hose underneath it…hmmmmm. I’ve heard it’s impossible to lick your own elbow…scientifically proven in fact, so I shall leave it to the experts and not dislocate my tongue trying.

    1. I know… I’m surprised more people haven’t remarked on that, but that’s the point I thought was the most interesting. What are those ass cheeks all about? Do people actually look like this?

      SB. Have you eaten beef balls? Say it ain’t so. But if it is, you need to tell us what they’re like. How do you even cook ’em?

      I didn’t notice the vacuum hose. Now I’m properly freaked out…

      1. Well NB…don’t judge me, but yes…balls of beef have passed my lips! And cooking is only half the battle…prepping them is key! (membranes don’t ya know)…they taste like beef only (and please excuse…) creamier if cooked right. God, I just got the urge to say “serve with a nice Chiaaaaaaanti” Shades of Hannibal or what. eeeew. And yeah, that vacuum hose give me the willies (or makes me excited, depends on the moment)

    2. I think it is supposed to be the best of all worlds, boobies, ass cheeks and body openings. An added plus is no head. If that is a picture of pubic hair, I want to know what you are supposed to do with it after installed. Braids? Tucked into your socks? Or do you get leg hair extensions too and make a cornrow down the inside of your leg?? I also questioned the tampon making machine for the same reason. I actually could touch my elbow with my tongue in my younger years…..

      1. The only thing I could ever do with MY elbow, was go around it on the way to my ass. Or go around my ass to get to the elbow. Either way, you can call me Hard Way Harriet. 🙂 And yeah, wtf on the short and curlies being long and silky? ugh, that’s just NOT right!

        1. There was also some rule about your ears and elbows. Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear or something like that…

          1. haha…yes, that’s it. I’d forgotten about that one. All I can say is when they start making Q-Tips as big as an elbow, then I’ll follow that particular advice.

  13. My question(s) is/are about the beef testicles. Forgive me, but I’m new to this. There are “beef” testicles? As opposed to pork or poultry testicles? And why can I only buy them by the pallet? Do I need twenty tons per month? Because that seems a bit more than anyone could possibly ever need. I find this unsettling in so many ways I can’t even consider the rest of anything. I can’t see past the testicles.

    1. I saw that monthly production rate… I wonder how many cows it takes to make twenty tons per month of beef testicle? I mean, doesn’t it somewhat depend on the cows?

      I can’t see past the testicles… probably one of the most interesting comments I’ve ever had on my blog. I really should throw a blogger party one of these days, and if I do, you can bet there’ll be a pallet of these guys sitting next to the bbq.

  14. Well, there’s the funny rub. Although I’ve been reading about Alibaba for months and months, I never actually bothered to explore it. So thanks for the link. Its founder, Jack Ma, looks like he might have gotten his ass kicked good and proper while in the lower grades. Now he’s a multi-billionaire, proving, once again, that Matthew might have had a valid point when he said the meek shall inherit the earth.

    Here’s the creepy, O. Henry ending. My car was in a serious accident a couple of weeks ago and it needed a new engine. I exchanges several emails with a mechanic about it. When I clicked on Alibaba, the landing page that appeared offered car engines, which means it instantaneously wormed its way into my emails and found the thing I’ve been shopping for most recently and presented options. That’s SCARES THE SHIT out of me.

    1. Holy crap. That is totally terrifying and just so bloody invasive that it makes me want to jump off the internet. It doesn’t seem fair or right, does it? Stop going through my mail, people! If this had been fifty years ago, we’d have been throwing people into jail for going into our mailboxes.

      The meek had better inherit the earth, otherwise I’m kind of screwed.

  15. It amuses me that you did not get to “Random” stuff until after the testicles.
    Count me in on the trip to Stratford. As Russell Peters might put it “somebody gonna get hurt”.
    In the mean time I think I will concentrate on licking my elbow to get my mind off some of what I have seen here. Thanks for that. 😉

  16. I pretty much want all of the “Big Ticket Items.” Unfortunately, that probably means I’l have to go back to school to become something other than a writer …

  17. Oh… this is why someone recently mentioned you and beef testicles together in one comment on my blog. I assumed it was because of something else entirely…

  18. Just ordered my very own ISIS mask. Halloween is only 6 months away and it’s good to be prepared. Female ISIS fighters are going to be all the rage, I feel it.

  19. I’ll take the Greek Island. Why is there a pad shown with the tampon making machine? Or is it a pad making machine? Why does some parts of the cow seem so disgusting to ingest? I mean, what makes the testicles seem so yucky while the loin is so good? Tongue? ewww. Tail? yummy! Brains? Blech! Rump? mmmmmmmmmm….

    1. Dude! I’m around, but so bloody buried. The deep dark hole is not kind, my friend, but sooner or later it will let me out. I have much reading to do.

    1. My next blog… a million and one uses for inflatable poop. This stuff will write itself. I will smear the internet in my awesome idea-ing.

  20. if trent came back

    there’s an earth somewhere
    around the corner of the universe
    composed entirely of words.
    people visit this planet
    praising the muse behind
    a silk curtain. daylight is
    as elusive as reality
    metaphors pave the streets
    narrative moves the minds
    of the beings that were put
    there at the mercy of one
    man’s quick, ruthless fingertips.

    (I wrote this poem for you, please come back.)

    1. You are so nice… I’ll be back. No one’s ever written a poem urging me back before! Wish I could be around more just now, but it’s been horribly busy.

      1. Well, I need to write more poems for you then because it’s not the same without you here.

        I definitely understand! My world has been so crazy too! Graduating in a week though! I will await your return patiently.

    1. Babbage! You’re out and back! Please stay, man! Anyway, good to hear from you. I’ll have to see what a babbage is… sounds odd, man. Hope you’re well.

            1. I’m glad there’s precedent… anyway, it’s all good, Babbage. Keep well man. I was in your country a couple of weeks ago, it was serene.

              1. Brighton, London, Cotswolds, Wales. Didn’t run into Art, which is too bad cause that would’ve been epic. Where are you at again?

              2. I see… we went to Clearwell Caves near Wales for one day… scared the crap out of me being underground like that.

                Play. Total vacation. Tonnes and tonnes of fun.

  21. Thank you for helping me fill out my Christmas list early.

    I didn’t even know you were still blogging! I saw you comment on some other blog, and thought, “THERE he is!”
    I have this following thing down now. Never rely on the WordPress reader. Just subscribe to the blogs you like, and clean every other kind of notification out of your emails.

    I ALMOST licked my elbow. Does that count?

      1. I’m familiar with that situation…and then there’s always blogging ennui. I find once I start writing I feel better, but some days I just can’t work up a good head of steam. Hair I got. Steam, not so much. I think I may have written only 10 posts so far this year. I used to knock out one-a-week on average. I still enjoy doing it and the community of the blog, but there are days I when I want to live an other life for a while. I think you know what I mean.

        1. Dan! Great to see you, as always. I hear ya. I find it hard to write decent stuff when hugely distracted and sleep-deprived. I have kept writing, but I have this weird distinction I keep between blog-writing and other stuff, it’s always the former that suffers when I’m slagged with work. If I haven’t mentioned it lately, my corporate lifestyle is shredding me, just way too busy and I always prioritize my kids, so the time evaporates quick. I have written a lot less than 10 posts this year (I’ve missed most of yours, but I am slowly catching up on the must-read content, which includes yours).

          Well, here’s to life, blog-style and otherwise.

  22. Not my cup of tea. My artist brother often kids me that I don’t have grown up humor but I think some things are just “gross” but would not dream of censoring any art, humor or books. Take care and I still will be counted on to be honest. . .

  23. Okay that is my new favorite website! What the hell???? I LOVE it, and all your explanations and comments…I’m not going to try to lick either of my elbows right now because they’re both scraped up at the moment and that would be really disgusting. BUT as soon as I recover from that drunken pool party I’m totally trying…Awesome post!

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