There are lots of them. When you meet one, here are some things you should say to them or do with them. Full disclosure – I’m not American. I’m not a voter in the election. But there’s this large Republican convention starting tomorrow and I was listening to the radio (a mistake, I know), and like any Canadian I want to be helpful. So this is me, a Canadian, helping Americans by dispensing valuable advice to you that you can in turn use to help Donald Trump supporters everywhere. Please let me know how it goes.
Give them a hug. They need one. They feel like they require Trump, that he is the only salvation they have left. That is how desperate and sad they have become, so please give them a hug to make them feel better. If they refuse to smile, pat them on their butts. Tickle their groins. Do whatever it takes. Because if you can make these angry people smile, in whatever way possible, you will really have achieved something.
Teach them about being specific. When they want to infer that someone is part of a terrorist cell without wanting to actually say it, tell them not to just say “something is going on here” – tell them to simply blurt it out: “you, sir, are a terrorist. You are a Mexican rapist. You are a black thug likely to shoot me or urinate on my petunias. And I am accusing you thusly”. Tell them they’ll feel better if they speak plainly like this. That the sun will shine brighter. The air will smell better. And that their next erection will be longer and stiffer, and that little birds will fly about that remarkable, white snap of flesh, singing its praises for the world to hear.
Please tell them that calling President Obama a Muslim is NOT an insult or a relevant accusation. There is no rule against a Muslim or someone from any faith being President of the United States, is there? Calling someone a pedophile is an insult. Or a flabby rotting whale. Or a blogger. But a Muslim? Nope. Sorry.
Ask them if they know what a ‘fringe’ is. Because that’s what they’ve become. Trump’s movement isn’t a revolution or a mass swelling – it’s a last gasp establishing how out of place these folks are in the world. For once they’ve stood up and said their piece, throwing their weight behind their man, all with the result of proving how small they really are, how insignificant, how out-of-date. How diminutive. It used to be that they were on the page, their views on other people laced through the text, there but not always obvious. Now they’re distinctly on the page – hurray! – but all they are is a footnote, and that footnote gets forgotten the minute someone turns the page.
Tell them that they need something other than Trump to get them a job (you know, if they don’t already have one). Give them a pamphlet for a community college. Show them the classifieds section of the newspaper. And please try to reassure them. Yes, it’s a hard world. Yes, it’s getting harder to get ahead. But that’s true for everyone, and no it’s not suddenly going to get easier for them, no matter who they elect. They have to compete. They have to show up, and they have to try, and it won’t be easy and nothing is going to be given to them. So what? I mean, it’s not like the majority of them are writers or something, because that would truly be a hopeless, lost cause stinking of whiskey and unwashed crotch.
Tell them to try and not fear immigrants, especially if they’re Muslim immigrants. Because on average, a Muslim immigrant is as likely to kill them as a leprous, retarded beluga whale. And while there are leprous, retarded beluga whales swimming the ocean even now, targeting innocent Americans, attacks are fairly infrequent and much less likely than those stemming from home-spun terrorists that continue to get drunk and jump behind the wheel of their car to exercise their inalienable right to freedom and douchebag-ness.
Make sure you tell them that it’s actually not okay to be a racist. Wait – did I actually just have to say that???
Let them know that they are in fact losing their country. Or at least their closed, whacked-out version of their country – the one that never actually existed in the first place, other than in the back corner of this one country bar somewhere back in 1985, under a shiny photograph of Ronald Reagan while the Oak Ridge Boys played on the juke box. That was a time before the internet. Or GPS. Or on-line shopping. Or a global market where the human race is just much more connected than ever. So yes it’s gone, and please tell them so. It’s not going to come back, despite what Trump says. It’s not, so tell them to get over it and build something new that doesn’t involve trying to isolate themselves from the rest of the world – that recognizes that we are in this together, and making great deals for America doesn’t mean America is going to magically beat the rest of the world.
Give them a dollar. Just one, and tell them to use it to buy a candy bar. Remember when a candy bar only cost like ten cents? Trump told these poor saps he would get them back to those glory days, when they could drive long stretches of the country and see nothing but shining white buildings and people. But this dollar will help them. The taste of chocolate in their mouths will be a distraction from the obvious – that they’re going to lose the election. That Trump isn’t going to win, and they’ll have to face that. They have to be ready to be the losers, and to accept this. And hopefully that candy bar will help them be rational about their next step – to not simply become more extreme, more worried, more scared of everything around them. Chocolate might be the only answer there is for these poor losers. If anyone can think of another one, please report it here.