Please Target Donald Trump Supporters

There are lots of them. When you meet one, here are some things you should say to them or do with them. Full disclosure – I’m not American. I’m not a voter in the election. But there’s this large Republican convention starting tomorrow and I was listening to the radio (a mistake, I know), and like any Canadian I want to be helpful. So this is me, a Canadian, helping Americans by dispensing valuable advice to you that you can in turn use to help Donald Trump supporters everywhere. Please let me know how it goes.


Give them a hug. They need one. They feel like they require Trump, that he is the only salvation they have left. That is how desperate and sad they have become, so please give them a hug to make them feel better. If they refuse to smile, pat them on their butts. Tickle their groins. Do whatever it takes. Because if you can make these angry people smile, in whatever way possible, you will really have achieved something.

Teach them about being specific. When they want to infer that someone is part of a terrorist cell without wanting to actually say it, tell them not to just say “something is going on here” – tell them to simply blurt it out: “you, sir, are a terrorist. You are a Mexican rapist. You are a black thug likely to shoot me or urinate on my petunias. And I am accusing you thusly”. Tell them they’ll feel better if they speak plainly like this. That the sun will shine brighter. The air will smell better. And that their next erection will be longer and stiffer, and that little birds will fly about that remarkable, white snap of flesh, singing its praises for the world to hear.

Please tell them that calling President Obama a Muslim is NOT an insult or a relevant accusation. There is no rule against a Muslim or someone from any faith being President of the United States, is there? Calling someone a pedophile is an insult. Or a flabby rotting whale. Or a blogger. But a Muslim? Nope. Sorry.

Ask them if they know what a ‘fringe’ is. Because that’s what they’ve become. Trump’s movement isn’t a revolution or a mass swelling – it’s a last gasp establishing how out of place these folks are in the world. For once they’ve stood up and said their piece, throwing their weight behind their man, all with the result of proving how small they really are, how insignificant, how out-of-date. How diminutive. It used to be that they were on the page, their views on other people laced through the text, there but not always obvious. Now they’re distinctly on the page – hurray! – but all they are is a footnote, and that footnote gets forgotten the minute someone turns the page.

Tell them that they need something other than Trump to get them a job (you know, if they don’t already have one). Give them a pamphlet for a community college. Show them the classifieds section of the newspaper. And please try to reassure them. Yes, it’s a hard world. Yes, it’s getting harder to get ahead. But that’s true for everyone, and no it’s not suddenly going to get easier for them, no matter who they elect. They have to compete. They have to show up, and they have to try, and it won’t be easy and nothing is going to be given to them. So what? I mean, it’s not like the majority of them are writers or something, because that would truly be a hopeless, lost cause stinking of whiskey and unwashed crotch.

Tell them to try and not fear immigrants, especially if they’re Muslim immigrants. Because on average, a Muslim immigrant is as likely to kill them as a leprous, retarded beluga whale. And while there are leprous, retarded beluga whales swimming the ocean even now, targeting innocent Americans, attacks are fairly infrequent and much less likely than those stemming from home-spun terrorists that continue to get drunk and jump behind the wheel of their car to exercise their inalienable right to freedom and douchebag-ness.

Make sure you tell them that it’s actually not okay to be a racist. Wait – did I actually just have to say that???

Let them know that they are in fact losing their country. Or at least their closed, whacked-out version of their country – the one that never actually existed in the first place, other than in the back corner of this one country bar somewhere back in 1985, under a shiny photograph of Ronald Reagan while the Oak Ridge Boys played on the juke box. That was a time before the internet. Or GPS. Or on-line shopping. Or a global market where the human race is just much more connected than ever. So yes it’s gone, and please tell them so. It’s not going to come back, despite what Trump says. It’s not, so tell them to get over it and build something new that doesn’t involve trying to isolate themselves from the rest of the world – that recognizes that we are in this together, and making great deals for America doesn’t mean America is going to magically beat the rest of the world.

Give them a dollar. Just one, and tell them to use it to buy a candy bar. Remember when a candy bar only cost like ten cents? Trump told these poor saps he would get them back to those glory days, when they could drive long stretches of the country and see nothing but shining white buildings and people. But this dollar will help them. The taste of chocolate in their mouths will be a distraction from the obvious – that they’re going to lose the election. That Trump isn’t going to win, and they’ll have to face that. They have to be ready to be the losers, and to accept this. And hopefully that candy bar will help them be rational about their next step – to not simply become more extreme, more worried, more scared of everything around them. Chocolate might be the only answer there is for these poor losers. If anyone can think of another one, please report it here.


66 thoughts on “Please Target Donald Trump Supporters

  1. I don’t think it’s legitimate to say that someone that got as many primary votes as trump is a fringe candidate. Much like it’s becoming less impressive to say white majority in this country.
    Idiot is a better word for his supporters – more for the ones who say they agree with is ideas (which a- change on a daily basis, and b- rarely are explained) then the ones for whom following trump is an emotional reaction based on their own difficulties and the fact that it’s always easier to blame someone else for ones problems.

    Me, I’m going to look into whether anyone is hiring in the tropics…

    • He just seems fringe to me, as an outsider. Like he’s playing to the edges, and while those edges might be larger than I expected, I hold hope that there’s a solid and large core of sensible people out there. I feel bad for these Trump people. I think they have lost all hope, and so anything will do. Even the worst thing of all.

      • Yes, Mr. Trump is fringe because his ideas (or lack of them) and message are. Many of the people who follow Mr. Trump have not checked his message for practicability as much as they have been caught up in a whirlwind of emotional blitzkrieg. Mr. Paul Ryan would be a supporter of Mr. Trump if this wasn’t the case.

    • That’s an excellent point about him being a fringe candidate. I suggest that the emotional reaction based on their own difficulties is a two-way street. Bernie blamed the wealthy the same offhanded way that Trump blames immigrants. There are solutions somewhere in the calm middle.

      • Yes but who represents the calm middle? Your politics seem to be entirely polarized. Dare I suggest that you guys need a third party, like we have up here? Someone who pretty much will always take the middle ground, on the assumption that voters follow a typical bell curve between the extremes? Here, we call that party the Liberals (to the left of them are the New Democrats, and to the right, the Conservatives). Maybe your issue currently is one of lack of choice.

        • Are you kidding? I would LOVE a third party! But it’ll never happen. The existing power structure won’t allow it. It’s the only thing our two parties agree on: a third party is out of there question and everything possible must be done to prevent it from happening. Hail democracy!

          • Didn’t realize that. We have more than 3 parties up here actually, but 3 main ones and it seems to work relatively well. Lines get blurred between them though, but the existence of the middle ground seems to keep folks from pulling apart too much to the extreme.

  2. Oh yes, I will repost this… God I love your writing! made me laugh so hard. You have no idea how many people from across the country come through the doors where I work, and go on and on about him. Disclaimer, they are all from the Midwest! The ones who are still trying to hang on to him. The obvious bigot’s and racists, and typical white man serial killer home grown terrorists!! I have slapped them across their stupid faces, with words mind you, repeatedly, and sent them on their merry way! Slumped, dejected, and firmly put in their place with facts!! I have shut so many of them up, mid way through their rants, that I kind of think I might be the reason the tide has turned! lol maybe! anyway, good to know I’m not alone… and Greenland is beautiful in November! do they have an economy?

  3. Thanks for making me laugh, Trent. You’d think people talk about politics over here, but not that I can see. Not where I live. Everyone is mum. You don’t know how people are voting. I’m afraid I might get shot if I were to say anything to a Trump supporter. I’m joking, but I’m not sure how much. I’d agree with Guapo. He’s definitely not fringe. Not anymore. I have hard time digesting that Trump has said almost nothing about his policies except for these huge blanket statements that incite fear and hate. Besides the crazies and the racists, I think other people who would seem like reasonable people, just ignore the things about Trump that they don’t like. I may be your neighbor soon.

    • You’re welcome up here anytime, Amy. I’m a bit surprised that people don’t talk openly about things, sounds a bit scary.

      Anyway, Canada is a very nice place. We have trees and snow, some bears, moose and beavers. And no hate-inciting politicians that I know of.

  4. “Tickle their groins.” No way. I aint getting anywhere near that part of these yahoos’ anatomy.

    I’m thinking I’m voting for you this year. Do you mind if I write your name in?

  5. I’m assuming that this chocolate has to be white chocolate, right?
    I’m just asking for purely informational purposes, since I don’t think I’m going to convince Trump supporters of anything, not with my very obvious foreign accent.

  6. Hilarious Trent. I’m with KingMidget – I want to vote for you — No, wait, I’m not American – oh well, they’ll never notice another vote and I’m only 40 minutes from the US.

    • I would be proud to be your candidate. I promise you the best time imaginable, and although I won’t likely be coherent all the time, will anyone really notice?

  7. How nice to come home to a Trent rage. As you know, I am in the midst of this tragedy…
    After spending two days in physical and spiritual bliss at a yoga retreat, I would suggest using more enlightening tactics in dealing with his supporters such as ahimsa and satya. (Sanskrit for compassion and truth.)
    However, I will try instilling fear of “leprous, retarded beluga whales” in them if those things don’t do the trick. Thanks for the tips, Trent.

  8. I’m just glad that as a Canadian, if I come across any Canadian Trump supporters I don’t have to tickle their groins. I had enough of that with the Harper supporters, thanks.

    • You Walt, a Republican? I cast no aspersions. I have nothing against Republicans. But it seems to be that it’s suddenly hard to detach the party from the clown who will soon be at its head.

      As you say, it might be the end of the party. I’m sure in some sense that this would be a shame.

  9. This post made me laugh hard but it also made me angry that so many are taking him seriously. I spent enough time in Canada during my late teens and early twenties that I wonder if y’all would consider it intent to move. Please?

    • Jaded, you move on up here anytime. I will even bake you some cookies and we can eat them with fine Canadian cow milk on my porch.

      Your anger is justified, I think. This is just so mystifying.

  10. This was very wry and perceptive, more than a few chuckles here. (I am a British socialist but unlike many of my ilk have not had my senses of irony, humour or perception surgically removed).
    I don’t know about this tickling though, social media being what it is the word could get out and some Trump supporters might get to follow you around.

  11. That whole tickling the groin thing would seem a little incestuous to me. I realize that I just confessed to having relatives that are Trump supporters. I feel like I need a shower, as it is, every time I visit. It boggles my mind every time the topic comes up that I could possibly be related to these people. The boggling come along with throwing up a little in my mouth. I know when I visit my brother-in-law this week that he might just catch me eyeballing his crotch trying to figure out how to tickle it without getting arrested.

  12. Very well said – and fairly. It is a bit of a shame, though. I myself do have something against Republicans now, I’m sorry to say. They used to be a principled, clear-headed lot, or at least I thought they were. Either things have changed, or I’ve been bamboozled for quite some time.

    • I think politics brings anything but clarity to the table. Shifting principles and practices depending on the local winds at the time. The firmament underpinning a party or its convictions? I don’t know if such a thing still exists in any party.

  13. nobody ever thought that things would get this far. Now they are out of control.

    I hope you guys are ready for the mass migration of sane ‘Mericans to Canada. What should I pack?

  14. Well, I know at least 5 people who were killed by leprous retarded beluga whales this week… so… and also, I made friends with a beluga whale in Canada when I was a kid… we loved each other…

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