Dear America


Ah America. How are you? My name is Trent Lewin. I’m not a doctor or anything, but I have been known to heal the masses upon occasion. So I turn my attention to you, the confused and the enraged, and I choose to cuddle up with your enormous posteriors to offer advice as best I can. Forgive the gloves. Bend over at your convenience. I think I have to get to know you better to understand all the angst, and that can only be done through a superlative penetration with my Canadian digits. Prepare yourselves.

I’m so rude, but fuck you. What have you done, exactly? We used to fucking love you guys! We wanted to be you guys! Don’t you understand that you have been a shining light in this world, despite your obvious flaws? And now what… you’ve elected this despicable, horrible person as your leader, this tv personality that’s going to clean everything up, because oh woe you’re such a crumbled, sad country. Fuck off, idiots. You’re still doing better than most everyone on the planet, maybe you should bend your minds to helping each other rather than building up this complex you’ve developed.

Hell, even we can see that you just elected the status quo. Sure, you’re angry at the system and it hasn’t served you well. I don’t know, in the interests of abandoning political correctness (that’s okay now, right?), maybe you fucktards should go out and actually get a college degree instead of sitting back in your entitlement-crusted couch of shit, expecting that a wonderfully-high paying manufacturing job should just be handed to you because that’s the way it used to be. I don’t know, fucking get out there and compete, because guess what, it is a global world. You can’t shut out the world or isolate yourselves from it, because that is exactly the way you shrivel up and die. Hey yeah, you rust belt assholes (what the fuck is a rust belt, anyway?), maybe get off your voluminous asses and become educated instead of huddling in your rural shitpiles and firing off your guns to warn off the Queen should she ever return to repatriate your sorry asses.

And sorry, Muslims and Mexicans? Let’s just turn that into a song – the Muslim and Mexican rap. You guys are fucking stupid if you think the actual problem is immigrants, when you run around killing yourselves constantly. How is it possible that it’s okay for you to shoot each other on a regular basis but the real problem is immigrants? Please explain. How have you become so fucking stupid that you believe this shit? Or maybe you just don’t want to let people in who take your jobs, but guess what – they’re only taking your jobs because you’re too fucking lazy and stupid to get them for yourselves. You’re being outworked, dimwads, how have you not figured that out?

I have to say, I love your anger. Good job douchebags, it turns out you were so angry all along that you never once did any goddam thing about it before the election… no, you just sat around and chugged your Cheetos expecting the phone to ring with your deserved rewards. Thanks for saving your precious, meaningful anger for the election, so that you could vote for exactly the epitomy of what it is that you are angry about. Good god people, you have become once and for all the media generation, getting your knowledge from outright lies and reality tv personalities, unable it seems to realize that the two have merged into one painful, obvious truth: that you are now the dumbest country on the face of the planet, hardly worthy of the respect that we have always given you.

Fuck, don’t you understand? It isn’t the Democrats that held you down. And it’s not the Republicans and this fuck-knob that are going to elevate you. The system keeps you down, and you haven’t done a thing to change that. You haven’t vented your anger for change, you’ve done the uttermost to perpetuate your descent into the sludge, the mire itself. You now believe that one man – a putrid, horrid person at that – is going to save you. You are now fully filled with the belief that whats-his-name will lift you out of this god-awful, lazy-assed mess that you’ve gotten yourselves into, rather than raising a finger yourselves to actually compete on this global stage. Last I checked, you were part of planet earth, right? Good stuff, you’ve just created the most amazing dependency we’ve ever seen, and god help you all when this does not work out the way you thought it would. Why should we let you take us for a ride and run over the rest of us because you let yourselves go like this? Go put on your fucking mumus and listen to your evangelists preach your inevitable ascendancy, go on and cling to your now non-existent hope. You’re hopeless now, America. Hopeless.

You seriously are a bunch of dumb shits. Bend over and let me take a look inside to confirm. Oh by the way, thanks for setting the environmental movement back what, a couple of decades? Do you know that you’re the only country on planet earth that now believes climate change may not be an actual issue? I mean fuck science and all that shit. Maybe you can firmly formalize the exciting scientific basis behind creationism while you’re at it, because that’s a no-brainer on the road to bettering yourselves and actually fucking competing in this world. You know what, America? You’ve are a fat, lazy, mumu-wearing clown sitting on a park bench swallowing ice cream after ice cream, getting dumber by the minute. I fucking hope you have your massive coronary soon, because we are tired of this heartbreak. It’s awful watching you do this to yourselves. It’s like a hero in a movie, getting pummelled over and over again, and you just want them to get up and do something, anything, something great – but I don’t know if you’re getting up, America. From where I sit, you stink of rot and decrepitude, tinged with fear of goddam everything that comes your way, until some random bullet puts you out of your misery.

Well fucking done. I don’t know. Maybe you will take us all with you. It sure seems like it’s possible today. I don’t know how you came to this. It doesn’t make any sense. I see people protesting in the street against their democratically-elected President, and I think I understand why. Sometimes, I think you have to call something for what it is – a farce, a travesty, and a con. I think it’s all a con, to be true. I think you all got played, in the worst way possible, and so many of you are actually celebrating it. How the fuck did you get so dirty and desperate that this is so? Don’t you stop and think at all, or are you so angry that you can’t do that anymore?

Shit. Well. I’m disappointed in you. And that’s what this is. Disappointment. It took a while for me to understand that, but I do now. I expected better out of you. I hoped that you were better, maybe the people who’d lead us out of turmoil, as you’ve done in the past. But this is not your job anymore. It’s for others. And that, I think, is the end of empire. So I’m calling you on it, America. This is the end of your greatness. This is it. You brought it on yourselves, and you’ve no one to blame but yourselves. Sure, we’ll still play with you in the school yard. But you’re just another kid now, crapping themselves by the fence as you try to figure out why you can’t add two plus two while you snarf down a mozzarella stick and cut your tongue on a soda. You’re regular, America. Normal. Maybe even sub-normal. Congratulations. And don’t talk to me about any Hilary Clinton. Who the fuck is that anyway? This is about who you did elect, the vileness that you perpetrated upon yourselves.

And yeah, sure, we still love the idea of you… we do. But the idea’s become separated from the body, and the American dream is something you can’t articulate anymore, because you’re confused and you’re angry. But we’re far enough away from that that we remember what that dream was supposed to be, so we can still have that in our heads, every single fucking time we put ourselves to sleep and wish for a better world. At least we have that, and we’ll always thank you for that, even as you float away on this stormy sea and we stop trying to swim out to you. It’s just not worth it, right? Well. Who knows? Maybe you’ll surprise us. Maybe you’ll come out spinning strong, like a goddam superhero again. Maybe you’ll be the proudest and best amongst us all, I think it’s possible, I think it is. So get yourself out of the muck, America, and give it a try. Show us what you’re made of, you magnificent assholes, and bring us some music – anything catchy and fast will do. Get up and float on high, until we can hear you sing again like you used to. Come on. Get the fuck on that horse and do it. Four years is enough time to prepare for that, isn’t it?

As your doctor for the day, I’ll leave you with a sample. Come back like this, America. Like this song at the end of this shitty fuck-awful, incendiary, totally-inappropriate and completely non-sensical rant. Come back strong. Because for all the vitriol we’re spitting at you, we want you back. We want you to be the shining light in the room again, like you used to be. Stop fucking arguing with each other and find your sense again! Find your greatness. Do it. I know you can. Come on, you goddam blessed wonderful son of a bitch. Make it happen, and as you do, just sing and sing it loud, and make it so that we can hear you come back, so good, so proud, so great to hang around. So pure, and yes, so filled with a dream that we all just want to taste what that must be like.

Here’s what I figure you might sound like, drunk on the street, disjointed and imperfect, sure. But still wonderful. Still magnificent. I believe in you still, jackass. Now believe in yourselves. Four years, assholes. Figure it out, that’s plenty of time.


52 thoughts on “Dear America

  1. I’m pretty sure you just wrote what a lot of us have been thinking but haven’t had the balls to say out loud. Most of us really haven’t found the right words to express it. You did, Buddy! You surely did. Some of us are still trying to be polite about it. What’s the point? It appears subtlety and politeness are totally lost on the people that this is directed at. It’s very sad and as you said, disappointing. Really disappointing.

    • Politeness and decency don’t seem to matter anymore, not when you can become President of the USA on the back of insults, rhetoric and dog-whistling racism and outright misogyny. Well Michelle – let’s make sure this garbage doesn’t waft its way up here (although it is starting, isn’t it?).

  2. You said it better than I could. When I saw the results at around 2 am I’ll be honest and say I felt sick and disgusted. Even today I’m still convinced this didn’t really happen. I suppose shock is the word to describe it.

    • I’m pulling for you guys anyway. Somehow, I think we have to. It’s really a disgusting thing that’s happened, and it is sinking in finally… and I don’t even live down there, but it feels like a punch to the noggin.

  3. We’ve been conned, and sooner or later we’ll figure that out, after the rug gets pulled out from under us. And then everyone will hate Trump and we’ll move on to the next con job.

    I pointed out to a Trump voter that the Donald is a self-admitted sexual predator. He didn’t disagree. He was just happy that the Donald will be appointing a conservative Supreme Court justice. That’s all that mattered to him. That apparently is where the priority lies.

    • That seems like an epic compromise – putting your moral compass completely on hold to further your notions of what is right. This is when people end up selling their ideals so that they can fully purchase their political views.

  4. 80% of evangelical Christians who voted apparently voted for a sexist, racist, serial adulterer, who lies if he opens his mouth or tweets. So much for voting in a manner consistent with their alleged faith.

    A couple of days ago, one of the front page stories in the NY Times was about how people in a town in the rust belt now expect Trump to get them their jobs back. Yes, they are that stupid.

    It is truly amazing what the American people and our system of electing Presidents has done this year.

    • It’s like it doesn’t matter what he does… he knows it, and many people accept it. He’s become an idea – a loathsome, horrid idea rooted in backwards thinking, but an idea nonetheless – one greater than anything horrible that he can apparently do. I think, perhaps, that this was not what your founding fathers had in mind.

  5. Been pleading it since before the election. Now I’m screaming it and crying it on a daily basis.

    So tired of being told, at best, I’m an alarmist or a sore loser, and at worse, someone that needs to be punished or tortured.

  6. Trent, you’re at your most splenetic. Marvelous.

    I have to say I was dismayed but not overly surprised, because there were plenty of people dumb enough to think a (possibly) billionaire gives a flying fuck about the ‘working man’ while having campaign clthing made in China and whose signature clothing range is made in Mexico.

  7. Sounds like you’re having some doubts about moving to America, Trent…
    As for hero being pummeled – in every Hollywood movie, a hero has to be pummeled before he rises and pummels back. An unpummeled hero just doesn’t really deserve much sympathy, so it would be helpful for the Democrats to get pummeled occasionally. (Okay, maybe “hero” is the wrong description of the Democratic party, with better one being “somewhat less villainous”.)
    Democrats just get too complacent, having a black – elected and reelected – president, and a clear frontrunner for 2016, believing the idea that the population grows more Democrat-friendly with each cycle, and that the Republican base of white males is only about 35% of the electorate and is quickly dying off. But all the Democrat-friendliness means squat when Trump only needed 27% of the electorate to win. So yeah, we needed a good pummeling, and I’m sure the president-elect Trump will be happy to oblige.

    • Yeah I know, sometimes you need a good pummeling. But you really should not go full-dumbtard to make it happen. I just don’t understand. He’s preaching significant changes but he’s clearly not going to follow through on a bunch of this stuff (one would presume), so how’s he different than status quo?

      I’m sure he will be happy to oblige… if the mood of the country is angry now, I can’t imagine what it will be like in 4 years when this guy turns out not to be the shining knight. 27%…when you put it that way… blah.

  8. I think you’re kind of hard on Cheetos here. And I resent that you try to inspire us with a fuckin’ Canadian band! Rock and roll is America’s gift to civilization. ✊

    Other than that, Bravo. I’ve been trying to formulate a way to express my feelings about this clusterfuck, but you’ve spared me the trouble. Now, where did I hang my muumuu …

    • I totally agree that rock and roll is America’s gifts. Thank you for the music! I mean that sincerely. But you know, keep the Cheetos, thanks a lot for that particular creation. Feels like I’m eating discoloured, flavoured air. I could as easily suck on a tail pipe…

      And thank you Kevin, may your clothing always fit well and your President not be a wanker.

  9. Be vigilant up there, Trent. It’s a creeping cancer that starts small, like electing Jesse Ventura as a governor, or Sonny Bono as Congressman, or Rob Ford as mayor. 50 percent of us are twice as pissed as all of Canadia.

    • Hey we have a Conservative candidate named Kellie Leitch who is praising Donald Trump all over the place. It’s starting up here too. Every dog has his day, Walt, even if it’s a seedy, gross-looking, fairly useless mutt.

  10. Really NB…I think you could tell us what you really feel! Stop beating around the bush so much. Yikes my brother…you is one scary dude when you got your latex fingers all lubed up! Have faith, like I do, that this too will pass…but in the meantime…we have a shit ton of work to do to get ourselves pulled together. All I know is, if we can do that, at this point, we can do anything. Don’t lose faith…we’ve been kissin’ cousins far too long to say goodbye now. This was epic by the way…absofuckinlutely epic.

  11. This election was simply too damn weird. Let’s see … DT talks about abusing woman, wins the presidency but Billy Bush is out of a job …. people complained about HC’s personality and trust issues, but gave him a free pass because he wasn’t her …. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a candidate get as many free passes as DT … oh well, it is what it is … and time will tell.

  12. “WE” did not elect this horror here in America, Trent – at least I did not, and over half the country did not. We are as appalled as you are – and most of of us are as angry. Please do not cast ALL Americans into the pot with the idiots. We are already in pain and many are afraid for our very lives.

    There has been an ongoing uptick in appointments with mental health professionals because of the dramatic increase in depression, anxiety and the re-triggering of PTSD, especially in the community that suffers from Narc-abuse. (Narcissist gaslighting, not narcotics users)

    Many of us are currently writing/calling/rallying at offices of the representatives on both sides of Congress reminding them that we vote and are involved, and that we will be watching how they do or do NOT support the Agent Orange agenda — and that our response at the interim elections two years from now will depend on what THEY do between now and then.

    We are keeping each other informed in blogs, on FaceBook, tweet decks, and more. We are organizing boycottts. Many are marching in protest. Surely you have seen that too. We need your HELP, not your censure. McDonald is already rousing the rabble – please don’t add your voice to his.

    THE REALITY is that the man/child who would be king *lost* the popular vote and was installed “over our heads” by the obsolete Electoral College that needs to GO, and for some reason stays in place over our strenuous objections. Gerrymandering – redrawing (rigging) the voting districts to favor certain demographics to change the balance of Electoral votes – allowed it to happen.

    My back is broad, and I don’t personalize rants, but I promise you that posts like this are unlikely to HELP us win over those we simply *must* if we are to increase the number of those willing to fight against him.

    As I said in a recent article explaining Confirmation bias and Cognitive Dissonance [Why We Hate to Change our Minds — still available from my right sidebar], it is more likely to result in digging in and defending ideas and beliefs that serve no one if we sling the “stupid” invectives their way. (evidence-based)

    WE want to see this man’s nonsense stopped, not merely to complain that it was ever allowed to get started. Do YOU?
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

  13. You wrote this piece well, as usual. It is a fair and balanced assessment of America. It mentions America’s partial but continuing decline, and her still remaining potential to redress this situation. You chastise her wrong doing and admire her strengths and awesome potential. Finally, you wish her well.

  14. Pity the hero’s getting pummelled and it’s a while into it before you look down to see that he’s slowly cutting off his own legs. Bit graphic, but oh well.

    America (and more specifically, americans) has been mocked over and over again for decades. Be it the anti-vaccination movement debacle or the climate change denying rulers, there will always be faults in reasoning in americans. The USA are enormous. Their population level is enormous. The probability of some of them not agreeing in some very relevant subjects with a majority of the world countries and specialists is close to a certainty. But they have been worse, they have been better. They’re still great. Their country has made choices that appaled the world community and they will continue to do so.

    It is their prerrogative to grow, to learn.

    The fuck off phase, for me, will be in four years if they forwent the opportunity to do it and are still falling for the same appeals to fear and greatness promised.

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