Ah America. How are you? My name is Trent Lewin. I’m not a doctor or anything, but I have been known to heal the masses upon occasion. So I turn my attention to you, the confused and the enraged, and I choose to cuddle up with your enormous posteriors to offer advice as best I can. Forgive the gloves. Bend over at your convenience. I think I have to get to know you better to understand all the angst, and that can only be done through a superlative penetration with my Canadian digits. Prepare yourselves.
I’m so rude, but fuck you. What have you done, exactly? We used to fucking love you guys! We wanted to be you guys! Don’t you understand that you have been a shining light in this world, despite your obvious flaws? And now what… you’ve elected this despicable, horrible person as your leader, this tv personality that’s going to clean everything up, because oh woe you’re such a crumbled, sad country. Fuck off, idiots. You’re still doing better than most everyone on the planet, maybe you should bend your minds to helping each other rather than building up this complex you’ve developed.
Hell, even we can see that you just elected the status quo. Sure, you’re angry at the system and it hasn’t served you well. I don’t know, in the interests of abandoning political correctness (that’s okay now, right?), maybe you fucktards should go out and actually get a college degree instead of sitting back in your entitlement-crusted couch of shit, expecting that a wonderfully-high paying manufacturing job should just be handed to you because that’s the way it used to be. I don’t know, fucking get out there and compete, because guess what, it is a global world. You can’t shut out the world or isolate yourselves from it, because that is exactly the way you shrivel up and die. Hey yeah, you rust belt assholes (what the fuck is a rust belt, anyway?), maybe get off your voluminous asses and become educated instead of huddling in your rural shitpiles and firing off your guns to warn off the Queen should she ever return to repatriate your sorry asses.
And sorry, Muslims and Mexicans? Let’s just turn that into a song – the Muslim and Mexican rap. You guys are fucking stupid if you think the actual problem is immigrants, when you run around killing yourselves constantly. How is it possible that it’s okay for you to shoot each other on a regular basis but the real problem is immigrants? Please explain. How have you become so fucking stupid that you believe this shit? Or maybe you just don’t want to let people in who take your jobs, but guess what – they’re only taking your jobs because you’re too fucking lazy and stupid to get them for yourselves. You’re being outworked, dimwads, how have you not figured that out?
I have to say, I love your anger. Good job douchebags, it turns out you were so angry all along that you never once did any goddam thing about it before the election… no, you just sat around and chugged your Cheetos expecting the phone to ring with your deserved rewards. Thanks for saving your precious, meaningful anger for the election, so that you could vote for exactly the epitomy of what it is that you are angry about. Good god people, you have become once and for all the media generation, getting your knowledge from outright lies and reality tv personalities, unable it seems to realize that the two have merged into one painful, obvious truth: that you are now the dumbest country on the face of the planet, hardly worthy of the respect that we have always given you.
Fuck, don’t you understand? It isn’t the Democrats that held you down. And it’s not the Republicans and this fuck-knob that are going to elevate you. The system keeps you down, and you haven’t done a thing to change that. You haven’t vented your anger for change, you’ve done the uttermost to perpetuate your descent into the sludge, the mire itself. You now believe that one man – a putrid, horrid person at that – is going to save you. You are now fully filled with the belief that whats-his-name will lift you out of this god-awful, lazy-assed mess that you’ve gotten yourselves into, rather than raising a finger yourselves to actually compete on this global stage. Last I checked, you were part of planet earth, right? Good stuff, you’ve just created the most amazing dependency we’ve ever seen, and god help you all when this does not work out the way you thought it would. Why should we let you take us for a ride and run over the rest of us because you let yourselves go like this? Go put on your fucking mumus and listen to your evangelists preach your inevitable ascendancy, go on and cling to your now non-existent hope. You’re hopeless now, America. Hopeless.
You seriously are a bunch of dumb shits. Bend over and let me take a look inside to confirm. Oh by the way, thanks for setting the environmental movement back what, a couple of decades? Do you know that you’re the only country on planet earth that now believes climate change may not be an actual issue? I mean fuck science and all that shit. Maybe you can firmly formalize the exciting scientific basis behind creationism while you’re at it, because that’s a no-brainer on the road to bettering yourselves and actually fucking competing in this world. You know what, America? You’ve are a fat, lazy, mumu-wearing clown sitting on a park bench swallowing ice cream after ice cream, getting dumber by the minute. I fucking hope you have your massive coronary soon, because we are tired of this heartbreak. It’s awful watching you do this to yourselves. It’s like a hero in a movie, getting pummelled over and over again, and you just want them to get up and do something, anything, something great – but I don’t know if you’re getting up, America. From where I sit, you stink of rot and decrepitude, tinged with fear of goddam everything that comes your way, until some random bullet puts you out of your misery.
Well fucking done. I don’t know. Maybe you will take us all with you. It sure seems like it’s possible today. I don’t know how you came to this. It doesn’t make any sense. I see people protesting in the street against their democratically-elected President, and I think I understand why. Sometimes, I think you have to call something for what it is – a farce, a travesty, and a con. I think it’s all a con, to be true. I think you all got played, in the worst way possible, and so many of you are actually celebrating it. How the fuck did you get so dirty and desperate that this is so? Don’t you stop and think at all, or are you so angry that you can’t do that anymore?
Shit. Well. I’m disappointed in you. And that’s what this is. Disappointment. It took a while for me to understand that, but I do now. I expected better out of you. I hoped that you were better, maybe the people who’d lead us out of turmoil, as you’ve done in the past. But this is not your job anymore. It’s for others. And that, I think, is the end of empire. So I’m calling you on it, America. This is the end of your greatness. This is it. You brought it on yourselves, and you’ve no one to blame but yourselves. Sure, we’ll still play with you in the school yard. But you’re just another kid now, crapping themselves by the fence as you try to figure out why you can’t add two plus two while you snarf down a mozzarella stick and cut your tongue on a soda. You’re regular, America. Normal. Maybe even sub-normal. Congratulations. And don’t talk to me about any Hilary Clinton. Who the fuck is that anyway? This is about who you did elect, the vileness that you perpetrated upon yourselves.
And yeah, sure, we still love the idea of you… we do. But the idea’s become separated from the body, and the American dream is something you can’t articulate anymore, because you’re confused and you’re angry. But we’re far enough away from that that we remember what that dream was supposed to be, so we can still have that in our heads, every single fucking time we put ourselves to sleep and wish for a better world. At least we have that, and we’ll always thank you for that, even as you float away on this stormy sea and we stop trying to swim out to you. It’s just not worth it, right? Well. Who knows? Maybe you’ll surprise us. Maybe you’ll come out spinning strong, like a goddam superhero again. Maybe you’ll be the proudest and best amongst us all, I think it’s possible, I think it is. So get yourself out of the muck, America, and give it a try. Show us what you’re made of, you magnificent assholes, and bring us some music – anything catchy and fast will do. Get up and float on high, until we can hear you sing again like you used to. Come on. Get the fuck on that horse and do it. Four years is enough time to prepare for that, isn’t it?
As your doctor for the day, I’ll leave you with a sample. Come back like this, America. Like this song at the end of this shitty fuck-awful, incendiary, totally-inappropriate and completely non-sensical rant. Come back strong. Because for all the vitriol we’re spitting at you, we want you back. We want you to be the shining light in the room again, like you used to be. Stop fucking arguing with each other and find your sense again! Find your greatness. Do it. I know you can. Come on, you goddam blessed wonderful son of a bitch. Make it happen, and as you do, just sing and sing it loud, and make it so that we can hear you come back, so good, so proud, so great to hang around. So pure, and yes, so filled with a dream that we all just want to taste what that must be like.
Here’s what I figure you might sound like, drunk on the street, disjointed and imperfect, sure. But still wonderful. Still magnificent. I believe in you still, jackass. Now believe in yourselves. Four years, assholes. Figure it out, that’s plenty of time.