How to Eat Crack Squirrels


This is dedicated to my friend Art. He’s been a blogging buddy for a long time and has just started his own podcast, which gives you a glimpse into the innards of his mind. It’s not a pretty place. Probably slightly narcissistic. But it’s full of art and madness, and that’s what makes it unique. I’m soon to guest star on his blog, on the subject of these very crack squirrels.

The below is a poem I wrote once in honour of Art’s Crack Squirrels. They are little rodents that bonk about in his cranium, giving him his inspiration. However, I think they would be rather delicious, so have composed this poem/recipe/ode in their honour. Here’s to the crack squirrels!

Crack Squirrel Stew


One day, I decided that I would eat

A crack squirrel because they’re neat

It seemed like a great idea at the time

To yank a squirrel from Art’s mind

So if you would like to try it too

Follow this recipe for Crack Squirrel Stew

Extraction Procedure

To obtain a crack squirrel simply use

A giant nutcracker to squeeze Art’s brain-goo

Or just give his tiny rear end a good grabb’er

While smashing his nipples with a rusty hammer

The only question is where the squirrel will appear

At an orifice of the head or that delicate derriere

Alternate Procedure

Lay out cheap booze for these glorified skunks

For crack squirrels are incredibly cheap drunks

After all, they’re not rodents of the Canadian kind

Yes, Canuck beavers are the best you can find

Killing Methodology

Now this part may make a bit of a mess

But you should enjoy it nevertheless

I suggest a good twist of the squirrel cranium

Or a quick and vicious jab to the right atrium

Be creative, just slice the thing in half with a blade

Or whack it on the head with a weighty spade

Did you know that every crack squirrel that dies

Prevents Art from cooking up another minion pie?

Skin Em

The skin of the crack squirrel is like penile foreskin

Sometimes you just have to yank hard to win

Pull! That little critter sure is mighty tough

And his innards smell like Art’s unmentionable scruff


Best spiced with rosemary, thyme and flaky oats

And ginger and lime and minced up goats

Baste with bug spray and beer and other such crap

And top with a bit of sauce from Art’s nut sack

Cooking Time

Well I’m most apt to roast the suckers in a pan

Or bbq them with a hairy mountain man

Either way the smell will be the absolute worst

So make sure you smoke some real crack first

Now toss the little chunks into a hearty pot

And make sure you regularly stir the slop

Bam!  Suddenly you have a type of gooey, grey stew

With the smell of something that died in a zoo


Well, chomp away at that stringy, chewy beast

Somewhere amidst the bony matter you’ll find some meat

Swallow it down no matter the taste of this roast

It’s still easier to digest than one of Art’s posts

Slurp and struggle, my foolish feckless friend

As crack squirrel squeezes out your rear end


If they make you feel funny in the stomach it’s okay

Imagine how Art must feel on any given day

All these uncooked crack squirrels living in his head

Fornicating day and night, and heavily inbred

You need only be afraid if your brain is compromised

At which point you should consider getting lobotomized

Otherwise you might end up like my friend Art

Whose name roughly rhymes with fart

But even if you are fine and no harm is done

Just wait until your next bowel movement comes

It promises to be a sodden, tortuous event

Full of grunting and moaning and lament

But that’s simply the price that is due

When you decide to eat Crack Squirrel Stew

Dream hard, rage hard.

11 thoughts on “How to Eat Crack Squirrels

  1. I’m thinking the perfect beer pairing would be….hmmm…a warm PBR that’s been rolling around the back of pickup for a couple of months.
    And wine? How about, “But mom–I don’t Want to contract botulism!”
    Or Mad Dog 20/20 that’s gone off.

  2. You lost me at “just give his tiny rear end a good grabb’er”. I still read the whole thing, but you lost me there. I ain’t eating crack squirrels.

  3. Okay, there is a lot to take in here. Firstly, the picture at the top is probably a marmot… or a marmoset… maybe a groundhog… or a Canadian non-flat-tailed crack beaver. We went over this before. You can’t eat them. I need them. Also, they are highly toxic and on the endangered species list. I do thank you for the free advertising, you mammal munching bastard.

    1. I am so eating crack squirrel tonight. I just love licking the grease of crack squirrel off my fingers. I got my toothpicks ready.

      Also, who said the advertising is free?

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