In honor of our friend X, who has posted many a funny in his time, I’m providing a meagre attempt at replicating his hilariousness (which is badly missed). So without further ado, eleven (not ten) reasons why Donald J Trump will absolutely be re-elected in November 2020 as President of the United States:
- Even if he loses, it’s not like he’s going to leave anyway. Have you seen the ramps at the White House?
- Four years have not provided enough content to flesh out the 25-hour TV mini-series that Donald has probably already sold the rights to. Four more years! Four more years!
- Hilary’s emails. They’re still out there. We still don’t know what’s in them.
- China is just way too smart to take the label of the world’s true superpower in only four years. A slower, more gradual transition over eight years is much more appropriate.
- You can’t argue with a man who held up a bible in front of a church after clearing his path using a fog of nasty gas. God loves Donald. And you can’t argue with God.
- Inevitably, the older demographic that disproportionately votes for Trump, and that happens to be especially susceptible to COVID-19, will find a sudden spurt of courage and head to the polls en masse on election day. They’ve known for years that mail-in ballots are fraudulent! And you know, just hard.
- The gutsy move of protecting statues of confederate heroes while not bothering to address protesters demanding fair treatment by the police for black Americans is actually a nuanced, strategic decision that will definitely prove in retrospect to be a winning tactic.
- Sooner or later, the non fake-news stats about COVID-19 will come out, and it will be revealed that the 15 initial cases did in fact go down to zero.
- Just because 40 million Americans are unemployed doesn’t mean that the richest billionaires in America aren’t doing pretty well just now.
- President Trump prefers people who don’t get voted out of office! Also, isn’t it fair to give Donald another kick at being impeached and forcibly removed?
- After the job he’s done the first four years, who else would want the position anyway?
Good luck, Joe. It’s going to be a tough haul, but someone’s gotta do it.