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Why Donald Trump Will Be Re-Elected (warning: sarcasm included)

In honor of our friend X, who has posted many a funny in his time, I’m providing a meagre attempt at replicating his hilariousness (which is badly missed). So without further ado, eleven (not ten) reasons why Donald J Trump will absolutely be re-elected in November 2020 as President of the United States:

  1. Even if he loses, it’s not like he’s going to leave anyway. Have you seen the ramps at the White House?
  2. Four years have not provided enough content to flesh out the 25-hour TV mini-series that Donald has probably already sold the rights to. Four more years! Four more years!
  3. Hilary’s emails. They’re still out there. We still don’t know what’s in them.
  4. China is just way too smart to take the label of the world’s true superpower in only four years. A slower, more gradual transition over eight years is much more appropriate.
  5. You can’t argue with a man who held up a bible in front of a church after clearing his path using a fog of nasty gas. God loves Donald. And you can’t argue with God.
  6. Inevitably, the older demographic that disproportionately votes for Trump, and that happens to be especially susceptible to COVID-19, will find a sudden spurt of courage and head to the polls en masse on election day. They’ve known for years that mail-in ballots are fraudulent! And you know, just hard.
  7. The gutsy move of protecting statues of confederate heroes while not bothering to address protesters demanding fair treatment by the police for black Americans is actually a nuanced, strategic decision that will definitely prove in retrospect to be a winning tactic.
  8. Sooner or later, the non fake-news stats about COVID-19 will come out, and it will be revealed that the 15 initial cases did in fact go down to zero.
  9. Just because 40 million Americans are unemployed doesn’t mean that the richest billionaires in America aren’t doing pretty well just now.
  10. President Trump prefers people who don’t get voted out of office! Also, isn’t it fair to give Donald another kick at being impeached and forcibly removed?
  11. After the job he’s done the first four years, who else would want the position anyway?

Good luck, Joe. It’s going to be a tough haul, but someone’s gotta do it.

 

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Dream hard, rage hard.

15 thoughts on “Why Donald Trump Will Be Re-Elected (warning: sarcasm included)

  1. I think ya done more than good, Trent!
    And the thought of him being reelected should scare everyone but they can be rather obtuse, can’t they?

  2. The headline on this one scared the crap out of me. You may want to add that every comedian, reporter, and news agency needs him around to continue to be successful. It will be really hard to replace the material he provides.

    1. Sorry… just trying to be deliberately provocative. The man is clearly deranged and a danger. But you’re right, the industry that’s grown up around him to riff off his gaffes is pretty profound. A less interesting leader will definitely provide less entertainment value.

  3. If it was biologically possible, I’d be willing to have your baby.

    (Okay, that was the product of me just returning home — a seven hour drive down from the mountains — and just finishing my first beer.)

    But, still …

    Wait, hold on a sec. There was something else I wanted to say first. Ummm … the title of this post. Are you trying to send me over the edge? Couldn’t you have tried something a little more … gentle?

  4. Oh, wow, I appreciate the tribute, Trent.
    I do have a question, though: we will likely never find out what was in Hillary’s emails, so does that mean Donald will be president forever? (well, not technically forever, but then there’s Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric – who’ll likely be president after Ivanka and Don Jr. simultaneously order a hit on each other in an inevitable power struggle, hoping to get rid of their most likely obstacle, there’s Jared, who’ll marry Tiffany and will try to rally the pro-Trump forces after Eric dies in a mysterious hunting accident – how in the hell did that gazelle get its hooves on AR-15?, there’s Melania who’ll hire Slovenian mercenaries to keep her throne safe until Barron turns 18 and I can joke about him, and there is at least half-dozen illegitimate children, all competing for the assistance from the Russians, with the most successful of them gaining their allegiance by offering them Alaska and California, which will immediately hold successful referendums on re-joining Russia, and there’s Mike Pence, who, after being shut out of power, will declare himself the Pope and will start a religious war against atheists, libtards, Muslims, and Canadians.)
    Ughhh. I hope Donald IS president forever.

    1. This is why people love and respect you, X. This story was like an epic of some kind. I mean, I would pay to watch this. Many times. Yeah, interesting times for sure, though I’m not sure they’re good times!

      When you coming back with a list for us? Show us how it’s done, man.

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