You start blogging to have a voice, to be heard and to listen to others. It’s an outlet that doesn’t involve you having to go through agents, publishers, or other constructs of the industry. It’s easy. You get a blog, you start writing, people listen. You are not a number. You are a voice. You are important. You are heard.
But you better be careful. You can amass followers to your blog, yes, but there are some sure-fire ways of losing followers too:
1. Don’t respond to comments people leave you. If someone writes you, ignore them. Don’t answer. Don’t dare answer. These people leaving comments are like parasites. Parasites with a lot of time on their hands, to do nothing but comment. They can’t possibly be interested in you. They’re just running about commenting on anything, and thus they are the true filth of the blogging world. It is your duty as a human being to ignore them.
2. Don’t ever comment on someone’s blog that you’re following, especially if they comment on yours all the time. Blogging is meant to be a one-way discussion, like talking to a wall or a peach.
3. Get it into your head that you are so incredibly great at spewing out high-class content that it’s not possible for anyone to not religiously follow you, to the point where you don’t need to ever comment on someone’s blog, ever, because you are above the lowly class of blog-prolls that populate the WordPress world and are way too good to stoop to the level of actually providing feedback on something someone else wrote. Unless, of course, that person is also an elite blogger and thus worthy of your attention, in which case make sure to gush voluminously over anything these upper-crusts write.
4. In order to save time and to show that you do in fact pay attention, just hit Like as you pass through blogs like a streak of holy lighting. The very presence of your gravatar on someone’s blog should result in instant orgasm for the author, and thus you have done all you need to do for the unwashed masses.
5. Build an empire. Become a cult blog leader. Abuse your followers. Abuse them! Hoard them! Gather them together and form ranks as your army of peons swoops outwards to spread the word of your munificence, so that you can have an instant audience to whom to sell your soon-to-be-published guide on How-to-Breed-in-Silk-Pyjamas, you epic twat.
6. Keep this phrase in your clipboard, so that you can paste as required, on ANY post ever written by ANYONE on ANY topic: “I just loved that. Damn. I wish I had written this.”
7. Tell people all the time that you love them and the way they write, especially on other people’s blogs, and then never actually read what they write or comment on it. That’s so classy.
8. If anyone ever calls you out for your lack of following, tell them that you have had computer problems, sorry you rancid little attention-grabbing fuck stain. If you’ve already used this excuse, go to the next level. Blame it on WordPress. It’s infested by gremlins. They’re chewing it to bits. Don’t get them wet. Don’t get them angry. They will cut the lines that link you to those whom you follow. And they will probably come after your genitals next. Do you WANT to lose your genitals? DO YOU?????
9. Mass follow. Do it. It’s a real thing. Go on the Reader and hit follow on every new blogger who rolls through. Do it. It’s easy. Half of them will follow you back. Soon, you will be in a magnificent place where you have incredible numbers of followers and tons of Likes on your posts, but strangely, very few meaningful comments… interesting. The law of averages does not lie. Statistics can be bent, but also don’t lie. Your future publishing house or television network or movie studio will not have much problem seeing through this lie. But hey, at least you won’t die alone.
10. Go read this guy: Exile on Pain Street http://exileonpainstreet.com/ for great writing and utter total lack of kiss-assery. By the way, does anyone LIKE kiss-assery? Really? Do we actually appreciate that drooling driveling virtual lovefest of like-minded twattery? Here’s a rule, how about instead of gushing about everything we ever read, we actually call out the shit posts and extol the good ones. It’s all a matter of taste, of course, but it is it really humanly possible to like every goddamned thing everyone ever writes? Really? Is EVERYTHING that amazing and insightful and beautiful and full of humming humping butterflies? Please. The next shit short story I write, someone call me on it. Please, I beg you. Don’t random like me. Fucking crucify me. In fact, I’m going to write a rank awful short story in the next couple of months and post it, and if you guys don’t burn me to ashes for it, I’m gonna get really pissed.
11. Find a new blogger. Comment religiously. Own them. Make them one of yours. Show unbridled enthusiasm for them, stroke their ego, make them feel grand and wonderful. And then stop showing up. Do it gradually, so they don’t notice, but just make sure you’ve done enough to attract them to your blog and have them commenting on your stuff, but not enough that they would expect you to stick around for theirs. This is a skill. Nurture it. Grow it. Practice it. Dominate. The way to get ahead in life is to forget about the little people as soon as you have used them for the purpose for which they were born ie. to accelerate your own God-given blogging fame.
12. Post every five minutes. Please. Do it. Keep posting until you have worn us down through attrition, to the point where reading your posts has become automatic, like blowing your nose or eating spaghetti through your ears. By the way, very very few can pull this off – Art from PMAO (http://pouringmyartout.wordpress.com/ being one of them.
13. Post every two months. Seriously, wait a full sixty days between your posts. Because of course we’ll remember you. Of course you’re essential. Of course people won’t just forget about you, nah that would never happen. They’ll remember you, right? Won’t they? Huh? (here’s looking at you, Fay-http://spa-curious.com/ and Michelle-http://silkpurseproductions.wordpress.com/, two writers I really like but damn if you don’t post with the frequency of some deep-space comet returning to our solar system every couple of years).
14. Write inflammatory, insulting and unnecessary posts such as this one, to piss off all your friends.
Listen, blogging’s going to make you rich. It will. It will build an audience for you and make you massive. Only, it won’t. This won’t make you money. This won’t make you huge. This won’t make your writing career. It won’t. The chances of that happening are worse than the chances of you winning the lottery. It’s true. You can look it up, right here. On this post.
You got into this to be heard. To hear others. To make relationships. To create, to express, to be bold. You wanted to be something other than a number. You wanted to be a voice. But really, you’re a cog for people who can do this better than you and can spend more time at it. You are one small part of a huge world. You are a stepping stone for some. You are insignificant to others. You are in some cases just a potential sale. But what you really are is everything you didn’t want to be. You are a numeral. A rung. A blade of grass. You, friends, are a number after all.
Here’s why I blog: I want meaningful interaction with good people. And there are so many of you. Some of the most ethereal writers I’ve seen are here (hey Catastrophe Jones-http://catastrophejones.wordpress.com/, that’s you). But those who have different motivations, you know who you are. You fit into the above categories. You flit through this like it’s a game, and that’s because it is a game. And you’re winning. You’re winning this great game that leads to absolutely fucking no where. Congratulations. I hope this is what you wanted.
And a quick shout-out to Sean Smithson for his awesome post, http://seansmithson.com/2014/03/17/how-to-get-more-followers-in-5-easy-steps/. Just an awesome blogger and a great guy. And I know I threw some shout-outs to a few, but there are so many others out there worthy of being read and listened to, too many to name. That’s also part of the reason I’m here, reading and following. To be honest and frank, there are many people out there writing their hearts out that no one pays attention to; and there are others who carefully construct bullshit for our viewing pleasure who don’t deserve the attention they get. Sorry, that’s how I feel. Sure, there’s a Nicki Daniels (http://nickidaniels.com/) here and there who’s good and deserves the attention. There’s that Smithson guy. There’s others. But for everyone else who’s not followed to death by thousands and thousands, I’m here because of you. For those poems and stories you write at two in the fucking morning because nothing less will do, and you don’t care if anyone reads it. You do it because you’re writers. You have to do this. I’m here for how you weave words in ways that we don’t see often – for originality, for creativity, for doing something that is actually artistic rather than built for traffic. Here’s to you. I know this post will come off as angry and ranty and the like, but it’s not really. It’s a love letter. It’s a love letter to those who are here to write.
And now, back to writing that shit post (yes, I know this one’s shit too, but I can do worse, I promise). I hope you’re ready.